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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350090">Pushing through windows and bursting through walls</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/varvarvar/pseuds/varvarvar'>varvarvar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Jealous Kozume Kenma, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Post-Time Skip, They were roommates (Omg they were roommates), captain squad kind of, kuroken have the best friends ever</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:48:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,514</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/varvarvar/pseuds/varvarvar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One day, something in Kuroo and Kenma's friendship snaps.<br/>They put the pieces back together, learning about themselves along the way and realizing they have some really good friends.<br/>-</p><p>It’s dark when he opens the door, so he really can’t be blamed for muttering a curse when he nearly walks into something.<br/>When his eyes finally adjust to the light, he is met with the image of his best friend, soaked to the bone with puffy eyes and shaking hands.<br/>“I’m sorry, uh, can I crash here tonight?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke - Relationship, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/ Oikawa Tooru, Minor Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru - Relationship, Minor or Background Relationship(s), minor Daishou Suguru/ Yamaka Mika, minor Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi - Relationship, minor Tsukkishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>74</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>349</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>HEYBRO, My favorite haikyuu fics</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Like a train coming off the track</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic fought me every step of the way and I'm still not proud of it, but here it is and hope you can enjoy it!<br/>It's already finished, I only need to post it so I'll probably update everyday starting from now.<br/>Title of the fic from "See, I'm smiling" from the movie "The Last Five Years", title of the chapter from the song "Good for you", from the musical Dear Evan Hansen. I cannot recommend these two songs enough, especially if you are angry at someone!</p><p>(can't you tell I love musicals lol)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s dark when he opens the door, so he really can’t be blamed for muttering a curse when he nearly walks into something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When his eyes finally adjust to the light, or better the lack of, he is met with the image of his best friend, soaked to the bone with puffy eyes and shaking hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, uh, can I crash here tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou wonders if he’s having a bad dream because Kuroo never sounds defeated, maybe resigned or angry, but never crushed like he seems right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuroo? Yeah, sure come in.” he quickly says, grabbing him from his arm</span>
  <span> and hauling him inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The idiot is wearing only a thin long sleeved shirt and sweatpants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Koutarou?” whispers sleepily Keiji from behind him, his presence announced only by the sound of bare feet padding down the corridor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything’s okay, Keiji.” he hurries to reassure him, remembering how disoriented his boyfriend feels right after waking up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realizes that he doesn’t know if everything is okay, because Kuroo should be in his and Kenma’s flat, preferably in his warm bed, instead of soaking wet, dripping on his parquet flooring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns the light on and as soon as he catches sight of Kuroo’s face, desperate, scared and so lost, he drags him towards himself, shushing his attempts at warning him of his wet clothes, and enveloping him in a tight hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart clenches, feeling how he shakes against him, probably from the cold. After a few seconds of remaining unresponsive, Kuroo wraps his long limbs around him, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and sobbing loudly, his shoulders shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keiji moves fast, closing the door and crouching to untie Kuroo’s shoelaces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry-“ it’s the mantra spilling from his lips, his fists tight around the fabric of Koutarou’s shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuroo-san?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keiji’s voice is gentle and kind, it makes Koutarou relax immediately and part of the tension in Kuroo’s shoulders decreases.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need to take a shower, otherwise you’ll catch a cold.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou hides a smile in Kuroo’s shoulder. His Keiji, always a caretaker, always practical.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waits for Kuroo’s dismissals, he can hear them already “</span>
  <em>
    <span>you guys don’t need to worry, just go to bed, I’ll just take the couch, okay?”</span>
  </em>
  <span>, some joke to laugh it off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels his blood run cold when they don’t come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo squeezes his bicep in a silent thank you before moving away from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And how weird is that? Kuroo, so communicative and expressive, who suddenly decides to interact with quiet gestures and whispers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He apologises under his breath for intruding, neatly putting his shoes next to the door, and following Keiji to the bathroom in silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll leave some of our clothes that might fit you out of the door. We’ll wait for you on the couch, with some warm tea, okay?” instructs Keiji, murmuring as if talking to a started animal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of dismissing the help as he usually would or encouraging them to go to bed, insisting that he caused them enough trouble as it is, Kuroo, </span>
  <em>
    <span>selfless, stubborn Kuroo,</span>
  </em>
  <span> nods, whispering his thanks, keeping his eyes on his wet socks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou can only stare as he grabs the handle with a shaking hand, closing the door behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Koutarou,” Keiji places his hand on his cheek gently, grounding him immediately “can you start the tea? I’ll go look for some clothes for him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keiji-“ he doesn’t finish the sentence, knowing looking in his boyfriend’s eyes that he shares his concerns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He closes his eyes when he leans in to kiss him, probably knowing how shaken he feels at seeing his best friend in those conditions for the first time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be okay.” breathy, reassuring against his lips, before he turns to walk into their bedroom, their bed still warm and unmade.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He goes into the kitchen, starting the kettle and taking out three mugs. He goes through the motions absent-mindedly, trying to remember a time when Kuroo was that devastated. He thinks back to lost matches, Yaku’s injury, graduation, every emotional moment of Kuroo’s life and he can’t remember seeing him in those conditions ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was no surprise to anyone who knew him to realize that Kuroo was a crier: he cried at films, videogames and books. </span>
  <span>He got emotional on his birthday and when he was drunk, declaring his love for everyone in the room several times, with happy tears streaming down his smiling face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When stressed, he became determined, unstoppable and ambitious, a force to be reckoned with. He didn’t back down from a challenge and if he ended up failing, he would maybe doubt himself, but in the end, he would recover quickly, learning from the experience. Kuroo was balanced, reliable, rational and kind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unpredictability was simply out of place in his behaviour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, the Kuroo he had just met was a complete stranger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The desperation and defeat in his stance, as if had been crushed by some insurmountable weight, his fragility were incredibly unsettling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realises he is staring at nothing, when Keiji’s hand rests in the middle of his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never seen him like this.” he manages to say, voice scratchy from the lack of use, pouring the warm water into the mugs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. We’ll see if he wants to talk about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They move to the couch, the vapour from the tea drawing intricate designs into the air above them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Kuroo finally emerges from the bathroom, he’s wearing Keiji’s dark blue sweatpants, a bit too tight on the thighs and showing too much ankle, and Koutarou’s soft grey sweatshirt, his torso swimming in fabric and his wrists exposed more than usual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He collapses on the couch, and it’s so unsettling, Kuroo as graceful, quiet and stealthy as a cat, landing so loudly on their piece of furniture, cradling the warm mug in his hands, holding it close to his face bask into its warmth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You guys could have gone to bed. Sorry, it’s-“ his voice shakes, making Koutarou’s heart clench with pain so strong he’s surprised he doesn’t groan “ so late. Damn it, you guys like to go to bed early, you were probably sleeping already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels so wrong, the exhaustion in his voice, the weariness, so Koutarou blurts out the first thing he can think of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owls are nocturnal, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And of course Kuroo knows, everybody does and they have left high school by now, Koutarou hasn’t been the captain of Fukurodani for years now, but still, that silly comment manages to get Kuroo to laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It starts quiet, until it becomes loud, echoing in the flat. It’s hysterical and different from Kuroo’s genuine laugh, loud, hideous and contagious, but Koutarou is still surprised when it rapidly turns into loud sobbing, so violent that Keiji moves and gently pries the mug from Kuroo’s hands, that hurry to cover his face in shame, while Koutarou puts his down and grabs him once again, pushing him until his face is pressed against Koutarou’s chest and he’s lying on the sofa, shaking and sobbing until his throat is raw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bites his wobbly lip, petting Kuroo’s hair and sharing panicked glances with Keiji.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His boyfriend sighs, resting his head on the nearest cushion and sipping his tea in silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only noise is the sound of Kuroo breaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou wakes up with a crick in his neck, which is unusual. Sleeping limbs and a weight on his chest are common since he moved in with Keiji but their bed is comfortable, so he is perplexed about the pain in his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opens his eyes he realises several things: firstly there is a lot more light than usual and that’s because he is not in his room but on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Secondly, Kuroo is sleeping on him, completely relaxed with puffy eyes and dark purple half moons under them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lastly, Keiji is curled on the other end of the couch, a book resting open on his chest and his bare feet pressed against Koutarou’s lime green socks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mugs are still on the coffee table, two of them, his and Kuroo’s, filled with cold tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou’s hand is  buried in Kuroo’s dark locks from the night before and he decides to stay still despite how uncomfortable he is, not to wake up anyone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keiji’s face is scrunched up, probably because even in his sleep he’s aware of his uncomfortable position, with his legs messily folded and curled up as close to his body as possible. However, the couch has left some lines on his cheek, meaning he must have slept heavily anyway. His curls are messy and they look so soft, suddenly again out of his reach, like they used to be in high school.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo looks uncharacteristically small. He feels an overwhelming wave of protectiveness, staring at his messy hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou stares warmly at the figures of his boyfriend and best friend resting for a while, before Keiji slowly blinks his eyes open, his gaze immediately finding Koutarou’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He huffs a quiet laugh, stretching carefully, making sure not to accidentally bump into Kuroo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he would wake up if you carried him to bed?” whispers Keiji, his voice weak from disuse but his eyes already vigil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, he is too exhausted. Just open the doors for me and we’ll be fine.” he answers, trying his best to be quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keiji nods, stumbling sleepily off the couch and walking towards the corridor. Koutarou cradles Kuroo’s body as gently as he can, lifting him with the quietest grunt he can manage. Keiji stifles a laugh in his hand next to him, following him though the dark corridor and moving the blankets away from the mattress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo whimpers for a second before burying his face between their cushions and sighing, falling back asleep right away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They tiptoe out of their room, shutting the door and leaving Kuroo to rest in complete darkness, save from the ray of light that always manages to escape their blinds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could have gone to bed, ‘eiji.” yawns Koutarou, following his boyfriend in the kitchen as he starts the coffee machine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Keiji grabs the juice for Koutarou and the milk from the fridge, “Kuroo-san’s not only your friend you know. I-“ he sighs sadly, pouring milk in both of their bowls, while Koutarou adds the right amount of cereal, “I care about him as well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He accepts his mug from Koutarou with a small smile, concern still evident as he sips his coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think happened?” he asks, knowing Keiji is usually good at reading people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think,” the former setter looks conflicted, talking after considering carefully his next words  “that he and Kenma might have fought?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou blinks, before laughing at the absurdity of the concept.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keiji, that’s impossible!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, when he stops to think about it, it seems the only plausible answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It would explain why Kuroo would leave his flat and walk under the pouring rain and his reaction. Him and Kenma are joined to the hip, possibly telepathically connected, at least according to high schooler Keiji after losing a particularly frustrating point to them during a match.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone always thought they would end up together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they never did. They share a flat, their lives revolve around each other, they own a pet together and they are comfortably intimate and affectionate with each other. However, they are just friends. That line had never been crossed and no one dared to ask about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their close friends were painfully aware of Kenma’s fond expression around Kuroo or Kuroo’s inexplicable decision to simply not date anyone since a messy affair in university. They seemed sad at times when Daichi talked about Suga’s new job or Noya reached for Asahi's hand. It was fleeting, but their faces would crumble and the parts of their bodies touching, thighs pressed together under a table, shoulders or arms, would recoil away from each other as if burned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Also,” Keiji sighs again, “someone called him the whole night. I didn’t check who but… the screen kept lighting up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou sighs, sending a look at the closed door of their room, hoping everything will be okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>Keiji hurries to answer the phone, hoping the noise won’t wake Kuroo-san, moving quickly from the couch.</p><p>“Hello?” he asks, looking at Koutarou, who has emerged from the bathroom. He’s about to leave for his morning run, but he stops in front of the door, looking at him with raised eyebrows.</p><p>“Keiji.”</p><p>It’s clearly Kenma’s voice, but it’s breathier than usual, relief and pain present in equal measure.</p><p>“Kenma.” he manages to say despite his surprise, seeing Koutarou’s eyes light up with recognition.</p><p>“I was worried you would still be sleeping.”</p><p>It’s weird for Kenma to call and even weirder for him to initiate small talk, especially with Keiji, since they always valued the possibility to just be straightforward and to cut to the point in their friendship.</p><p>“You know that Koutarou and I are early risers, contrary to you and Kuroo-san.”</p><p>He knows it’s a low blow mentioning Kuroo so early during the call, but it is needed. </p><p>The effect is immediate: Kenma inhales sharply, staying quiet a bit too long.</p><p>“Speaking of Kuroo,” he sounds terribly concerned, and Keiji can guess why, remembering the awful weather they’ve had the whole night and Kuroo’s lack of a jacket “is he with you?”</p><p>Kenma doesn’t stutter, ever, because when he chooses to say something it is because he thought about it for a long while, however this is the closest to hesitant that Keiji has ever heard him be.</p><p>“Yes, he is. He arrived in the middle of the night, drenched and he passed out on the sofa. Do you know if something happened? He was a bit shaken.” </p><p><em>More like, crying his eyes out</em>, but the whole event had been so heartbreaking and raw that Keiji feels the need to sugarcoat it. For everyone’s sake really.</p><p>“You are being cruel, Keiji.” </p><p>Kenma’s voice cuts like a knife, freezing the blood in his veins.</p><p>Yes, he had been admittedly cruel, suspecting that the reason for Kuroo’s tears was an argument with him, but he didn’t expect Kenma to call him out on it.</p><p>They have a habit of teasing each other, pushing each other to better themselves and Kenma usually plays along.</p><p>“I just-“ the ragged breath sounds too much like a sob and Keiji realises his mistake too late “I just wanted to know if he was safe. Thank you.”</p><p>The line goes dead before he has the chance to reply, dread spreading through his chest at the knowledge that he might have pushed Kenma to tears, and he can only slowly lower his phone in shock, while Koutarou calls his name to make him snap out of it.</p><p>“Did he tell you what happened?” asks his boyfriend, now gently putting his hand on his bicep.</p><p>“No but… something bad must have happened. I’ve never heard Kenma that emotional. I think we should talk with Hinata.” he says.</p><p>“Keiji, if they don’t want to tell us what happened, I don’t think we should pry…” argues Koutarou, ever loyal and genuine.</p><p>“No, of course. I just think that Kenma shouldn’t be alone right now.” he explains, worry for his friend already forcing him to imagine the worst scenarios.</p><p>“You’re right. I’ll talk to Hinata right after my run, since I’m seeing him anyway. Let me know if Kuroo wakes up before I’m back, okay?” Koutarou places a small kiss on his forehead, already typing to Hinata with his right hand.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The rest of the morning is pretty uneventful, as he expected. Kuroo is not an early riser and he looked like he really needed rest the night before, so he does not emerge from the room. </p><p>Keiji loses count of the number of times he refills his mug with coffee, struggling to remain concentrated between the terrible writing he has to review and the concern still present in the back of his mind.</p><p>He takes a small break when Koutarou messages him –“at the gym, now!! also Hinata says he’s already on it and that we shouldn’t worry”- watching in awe how the light from the window changes during the day.</p><p>It’s nearly noon when he hears the sound of Kuroo walking down the corridor and going to the bathroom.</p><p>After a few minutes he reaches the kitchen.</p><p>“Good morning, ‘kaashi.” he mumbles, sitting as quietly as possible on the chair facing Keiji.</p><p>His posture and his behaviour painfully remind him of someone trying hard not to intrude, attempting to not attract any attention.</p><p>“Good morning Kuroo-san. I was just finishing reading this manuscript,” he chuckles, noticing how Kuroo’s eyes light up. They always shared a mutual interest in books and poetry and Keiji was glad he had someone outside of his work to talk about his passion with. </p><p>“I think you’d like it, even if the writing really needs improvement.”</p><p>He sighs thinking about Monday morning, when he’ll have to tell his writer that he needs to write once again a new version. He is young and impressively skilled for his age, but Keiji believes that he can do better.</p><p>“Is Bo at the gym?” wonders Kuroo, his eyes analysing the flat and seeing, more importantly hearing, Koutarou’s absence.</p><p>“Yes, the team spends Saturdays training there. He’ll be happy to know you’re awake.” confirms Keiji, quickly sending Koutarou a text, letting him know Kuroo is awake.</p><p>“You guys don’t get days off, do you?” mumbles his guest, looking at the sheets of paper on the table and the coffee mug next to them.</p><p>“I don’t think you can judge, considering you’re the biggest workaholic I know.” reminds him Keiji, managing to make the smallest smile appear on his face.</p><p>“You must be starving! Let me see what we have-“</p><p>“It’s okay Keiji, I already intruded enough. How about I cook some lunch for all of us?” suggests Kuroo, already standing up and walking towards the fridge.</p><p>“If it were anybody else I would instantly say no, but since I know your incredible cooking skills, I will accept the offer.” he says, removing his glasses and relaxing back in his chair.</p><p>The sound of Kuroo cutting the vegetables is soothing, satisfying and for a second Keiji can ignore his concern and the tense atmosphere that despite everything lingers in the kitchen.</p><p>He manages to keep his mouth shut for around ten minutes, before he realises that he has been reading the same line for the seventh time.</p><p>He allows himself a moment of peace, listening to the sound of food sizzling in the pan behind him, inhaling deeply the smell of spices.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” he decides on saying, not turning around and keeping his eyes fixed on the words in front of him.</p><p>The sounds behind him cease immediately while Kuroo stays very still for a couple of seconds.</p><p>An exhale.</p><p>“Would it change anything?” he says, resuming his activities.</p><p>Sounds of ceramics and glass clinking cheerfully echo in the small kitchen.</p><p>“I feel like I made both of you worry enough.”</p><p>It’s sharp, self loathing clinging horribly to the syllables, making Keiji’s blood boil in his veins.</p><p>“Stop making assumptions about other people, it’s what is making you miserable.” he replies, deciding to abandon kindness. </p><p>Kuroo is going to snap at him if he thinks they are treating him like glass.</p><p>“Like you’re doing? You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?”</p><p>He sounds bitter and unhappy, masking his real emotions behind that snarking tone and smug smile he never grew out of, even after high school.</p><p>“It’s pretty clear what is causing you pain.” he states, knowing he is walking on thin ice.</p><p>“You are doing this on purpose. You want me to snap, so that you can put me together yourself, while figuring out what’s wrong.” he is banging loudly now, taking his anger out on the kitchen utensils.</p><p>“Well, I’ve got bad news for you Akaashi,” he huffs, pouring something in a pot that makes a delightful crackling noise, “I am not Bokuto.”</p><p>Keiji waits, knowing that something more is coming, that maybe he managed to break the dam. He doesn’t care if he ends up a bit wet from it: Kuroo needs to take it out on someone and both him and Keiji know that it cannot be Koutarou. They both love him too much.</p><p>They both enjoy teasing, nudging in search for the truth and Keiji accepts his role gracefully.</p><p>“So what? You figured out I argued with Kenma? Literally anyone could have guessed that considering I’m here and not in my flat.” </p><p>His voice is low and dangerous now, no longer hiding his annoyance.</p><p>“If you just stopped bottling things up, maybe you would be back there.” he replies, knowing his words are hurtful but also knowing they are what he needs.</p><p>“I-“ his voice is loud now, bordering on screaming “I don’t expect you to understand, with your stupid perfect life and perfect flat and perfect relationship-“</p><p>He tries to calm himself down with a deep breath because at the end of the day he’s Kuroo. He’s kind and generous, he doesn’t lash out at his friends no matter what the situation is.</p><p>That is when Keiji knows when to strike.</p><p>“If you want something so badly, you need to be ready to be vulnerable for it, if you just keep hiding and walking on eggshells around him, you’ll never be happy!” he argues, desperately trying to find Kuroo’s exposed nerve, so he’ll finally let himself burst.</p><p>“Why do you even care!” growls Kuroo, grabbing his chair and turning it towards him.</p><p>Keiji’s heart aches at the sight he is faced with.</p><p>Kuroo is red-faced, shaking with anger and confusion, looking desperately into his eyes trying to find answers.</p><p>“Because I’m your friend, Kuroo.” he murmurs gently, standing up.</p><p>That does it.</p><p>Kuroo deflates instantly, hiding his face in his shaking hands.</p><p>Keiji hesitates only for a second before putting his arms around him. He smiles when Kuroo melts against him, finding comfort in the rare display of affection.</p><p>“Shit, I must be an actual mess to make you admit we’re friends and hug me.” </p><p>His voice is muffled against Keiji’s sweater.</p><p>Keiji giggles, shaking his head and gently patting his back.</p><p>When they part, they don’t mention the fact that Kuroo’s eyes are a bit wet and Keiji sighs deeply, as a warning to let him know that he’s going to actually talk to him now.</p><p>“I won’t pretend to know what it feels like, to love someone so much for so long and to keep quiet about it. I did my fair share of pining back in the day and it was painful, it was disastrous. But for once Kuroo, you need to be selfish. You need to put yourself first, your needs and your wishes.”</p><p>“Akaashi, he-“ his face crumbles “he doesn’t love me. Not in that way. I know Kenma like no one else and I’ve seen that something has changed. He must have figured out how I feel because he keeps avoiding me, moving away when I’m close to him.”</p><p>Keiji debates telling him.</p><p>Kenma never admitted anything, but his feelings were painfully clear. The way he would give in as soon as Kuroo asked him something, the fondness in his eyes when he looked at him, the way his hands twitched to reach out to touch but they never did.</p><p>He had been caught several times staring at his flatmate. Their eyes would meet from across the room and Keiji would simply raise an eyebrow, as if daring him to walk to Kuroo and do something. Keiji knows Kuroo’s feelings are required, but it’s not his place, or the place of any of their friends -no matter how frustrated they get with the quiet mutual pining- to tell Kuroo.</p><p>“Maybe,” he fidgets, choosing carefully his words, while Kuroo patiently waits, slumped against the counter “maybe you are jumping to conclusions. Maybe because you’ve known him for so long, you are not being objective. He could have another reason for acting distant. All I can tell you is to stop torturing yourself and talk to him. Fight for <em>your </em>happiness for once.”</p><p>“I can’t promise you anything. I’ll think about it okay?” says Kuroo, after a moment of consideration.</p><p>“I’ll take it. You can both be incredibly stubborn.” smiles Keiji.</p><p>“Sorry, if I said you could never understand and for assuming everything was easy for you two. I know well it wasn’t.” he adds quietly, looking ashamed and regretful.</p><p>This is why everyone loves Kuroo, because he is looking directly into his eyes to make sure that his message is getting across with genuine regret.</p><p>“It’s okay. I was trying to make you angry so that you would talk.” he admits, gathering his sheets of paper and moving them away from the table, as if Kuroo doesn’t know this already.</p><p>“And Keiji?”</p><p>He blinks at the use of his first name, turning to look at him after setting down the documents on the counter and grabbing a tablecloth.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Thank you for being my friend.”</p><p>This smile is the first looking like the traditional Kuroo smile, warm and fond.</p><p>“Of course. You are welcome with me and Koutarou for as long as you want.”</p><p>He finds that he actually means it, despite his known dislike for the disruption of routine.</p><p>They set the table in silence, apart from some comments about the food Kuroo cooked.</p><p>They both smile when they hear the door open.</p><p>“Hey, hey! Keiji, lunch smells great!”</p><p>Loud, energetic, it immediately adds something to the room that makes warmth blossom in Keiji’s chest.</p><p>“That’s because Kuroo cooked for us!” he explains, laughing when strong hands grip his waist and lift him in the air, before pressing him against Koutarou’s chest.</p><p>His boyfriend’s hair is still wet from the shower he must have taken in gym, so it falls on his forehead, unstyled and soft, how Keiji loves it because it reminds him of their quiet times at home, of the soft, subdued version of Koutarou only he gets to enjoy.</p><p>His eyes are bright gold, honey and sunny days at the beach and he shines brighter than ever in his arms, just like when he’s on the court.</p><p>Keiji realises that they have been staring at each other for a while, his hands pressed against Koutarou’s warm cheeks.</p><p>He turns embarrassed to look at Kuroo, terrified for a second to have hurt his friend’s feelings with that display of affection but when he sees his face, his expression is fond and happy, no traces of envy at all.</p><p>“C’mon, let’s eat before it becomes cold, lovebirds.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!<br/>I am here again with a kuroken fic! I started this ages ago and I am only posting it now because I caved in and realized I don't know how to make it better ahah, I am still very perplexed about most things, including the characterization (I feel like I made Kuroo too emotional, but what can I say, I love projecting babeyy)<br/>I think the tone is very different from what I usually write since it's a multi-chaptered fic and there is not a lot of space for introspection, but I hope you can still enjoy this.<br/>Please, scream at me if I tagged something wrong and overall let me know if something doesn't work! English isn't my first language so apologies if certain constructs are weird ahah<br/>Feedback of any kind is appreciated!<br/>If you know me, you know how tempted I was to turn this into bokuakakuroken lol<br/>I am positing this on my birthday to feel as if I have accomplished something this year:)<br/>Thank you so much for reading!!!<br/>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 'As the rails and the bolts all crack</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kenma is wallowing in self pity when he receives the visit of a friend, who gives him valuable advice.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>just so you know: there is some cursing in this chapter because of the presence of a certain character<br/>also the title of the chapter is once again from the song "Good for you", from the musical Dear Evan Hansen!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kenma has been staring at the closed door for the last fifteen minutes, waiting, praying and hoping for it to open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it stays closed, Kuroo’s jacket is still hanging on the hanger while the sound of the storm outside becomes the best soundtrack for Kenma’s dark thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first sob catches him off guard, he thought he was past the stage of crying after being unresponsive for a while. However, it builds up painfully in his throat and it makes him silently slide on the floor, his legs messily folded under him, while he presses the sleeves of Kuroo’s soft pastel blue hoodie against his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tries to rationalize the situation, to downplay it, to convince himself he is overreacting, but Kenma knows deep down he is not. He made Kuroo cry, he made him so angry that he left to walk under the pouring rain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s half past midnight. He manages to grab his phone despite his blurry vision and he texts Shoyo a quick “</span>
  <em>
    <span>are you awake</span>
  </em>
  <span>”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The answer is instant, so he quickly presses the call button, bringing his legs up to his chest and resting his chin on his knees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma?” he sounds alarmed, probably because Kenma never calls, preferring texts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he tries to speak his voice doesn’t come, the only noises his wet sobs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? Is Kuroo there? Can I talk to him?” asks Shoyo, whispering something to someone who is with him, probably Tobio.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He left.” he manages to say, the crushing reality of the sentence making him bite his lip to stifle more sobs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuroo? To do what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He left, we were arguing and he just left, it’s raining so much Shoyo, what if something happens-“ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The whole situation is so unlike Kuroo, leaving without reassuring him he’ll be okay. Kuroo does not run away from things that scare him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma thinks for a second that maybe he pushed Kuroo so much, for so long, that he finally got bored of him, that maybe for once he left to protect himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma, Kuroo-san isn’t an idiot. He’s probably taking shelter in someone else’s house, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Koutarou and Keiji’s flat, most probably. He’ll call them first thing in the morning, since they’re both early risers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See, there’s nothing to worry about-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I made him cry. I’ve never made Kuro cry before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been unexpected. Kenma knew he was being stubborn, refusing to listen to what Kuroo wanted to say, despite noticing the anguish on his face. But he was too scared, worried that Kuroo finally realised his feelings and wanted to reject him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Obviously he would have done so gently, always so careful not to hurt Kenma’s feelings. But Kenma can't handle it. He is content with admiring Kuroo from afar and keeping his thoughts to himself but the idea of being rejected, of having the confirmation that his deepest desire is unobtainable would have been too much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he acted selfishly, refusing to let Kuroo finish his sentences.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then things had escalated from there and they were shouting at each other, not really listening to what the other was saying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Kuroo’s voice had broken and Kenma had realised that his hands were shaking, his expression so desperate while tears fell copiously down his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma didn’t even have the time to react, guilt and horror painfully twisting in his stomach, before Kuroo had muttered “don’t wait up for me, I need fresh air”, walking away and slamming the door behind himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need me to come over?” asks Shoyo, genuine concern clear in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’s okay. Sorry for waking you up.” he manages to say, slowly raising up from the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he doesn’t seem convinced “Please, try to get some sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shoyo was reluctant to say goodbye, but in the end he told him he would visit as soon as he could and hang up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma doesn’t even try to sleep: he grabs a blanket from his bedroom and he lies on the couch, staring at the door the whole night, praying for it to open.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It never does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He starts crying again when the sun begins to filter through the window.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>**</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma gets up when Atticus gently prods him with his paws. The black cat is giving him a smug look, unimpressed by his self pity. He had been lying there motionlessly since his phone call to Keiji, replaying his words in his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least now he knows that Kuroo’s safe and that he has the spare keys they left at Keiji and Koutarou’s place so he can come back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If he ever wants to do that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He scratches behind Atticus’ left ear, his favourite spot, effectively making him melt against his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, he gets up from the couch, ignoring his pounding headache and grimacing when he sees his reflection in the microwave. His eyes are puffy, his eyelids have swollen to the size of golf balls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pours cat food in Atticus’ lime green bowl, who immediately jumps down from the shelf where he was lounging, and in Pixel’s lilac bowl.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the other cat doesn’t come running at the sound of the food being poured, Kenma goes looking for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After ten minutes of looking and considering that maybe she run after Kuroo -she is more attached to him and he would not put it past her, considering who stubborn she is- he finds her in Kuroo’s bedroom, her head buried in his cushion, her reddish and white fur the only splash of colour in his best friend’s dark room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pixie,” he uses her nickname only when he’s sure they’re alone, even if he suspects that Kuroo has heard him once or twice “are you not going to eat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She raises her small head to look at him, big gold eyes that pierce his soul in the darkness of the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She kind of looks like you!” points out Kuroo, holding the fearful kitten close to his chest and gently dropping a kiss on her head. Kenma feels himself blush deeply, so he hurries to hide his face in the black fur of the male kitten that they brought home with the female.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She doesn’t.” he mutters, stifling a giggle when the black kitten rolls on his back and tries to reach for Kenma’s hair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She does!” insists Kuro, gasping when the scared kitten nuzzles his chest happily.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Does not.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Does too.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Does not.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A beat of silence in which as usual Kuroo lets Kenma think he has won.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Does too.” he ends up adding quietly, a smug smirk stretching on his face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kenma sighs in defeat.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then, I get to name her.” he decides, wiggling his fingers in Kuroo’s direction to request his permission to hold her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then I,” Kuro passes carefully the small calico, that immediately tenses up at being separated from the taller boy, “get to name this handsome fella.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The black kitten meows happily at the complement, basking in Kuroo’s attention.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kenma manages to make the calico relax by petting her without overwhelming her, finally getting a good look at her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Pixel.” he decides, allowing her to curl back into a ball in his lap.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Pixel?” asks Kuroo, making her flinch.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Aw, sorry baby, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he leans forward to kiss her tiny nose, her eyes closing for a while before opening in surprise when he leans back,” just like you.” he adds in a whisper.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kenma scrunches his nose, making Kuroo giggle.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, there is food for you in the kitchen.” he repeats as if the cat could understand him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She meows sadly, not moving from her spot, so Kenma ends up kneeling on the bed, trying to get a look at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it, are you hurt?” he feels a knot tie itself in his throat “are you sad because Kuro wasn’t here to sleep with you tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She meows in agreement, so Kenma lays down and tries to move the cushions to get a good look at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss him too, you know?” he bites his wobbling lip, trying to stop himself from crying again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is then that Atticus jumps on the bed and decides to curl into a ball right on Kenma’s chest, successfully trapping him on the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I see.” he sighs fondly, petting Pixel on her head, her purrs and the warmth making him sleepy, “Astute strategy. Well done guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atticus stretches, a smug expression on his feline features, knowing that Kenma does not have the heart to move him when he finally settles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, considering I basically didn’t sleep, I can have a nap.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe Kuro will be back when I wake up.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>**</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma does not wake up to the metallic sound of Kuroo’s keys opening the door, but he is dragged out of his peaceful sleep by the annoying ringing of their doorbell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bolts out of bed, realising that it has most probably been going for a while, making Atticus yelp when he pushes him off himself to land on the mattress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opens the door, he feels his shoulders slump. But really, it’s only his fault for indulging in the fantasy of Kuroo forgetting he could use the spare keys and deciding to ring the doorbell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, Hinata wasn’t joking when he said that the situation was fucking worrying.” mutters Kyoutani, entering the flat without waiting for an invite and putting a paper bag on the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, gorgeous.” he mumbles softly, one knee against the floor as he pets a shy Pixel. He laughs when Atticus butts in, upset because he is not receiving enough attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes, you are beautiful as well.” he admits gruffly, petting more enthusiastically the black cat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, is this Shoyo’s plan to cheer me up?” he asks, flopping down on the closest kitchen stool.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Shoyo panicked and asked Yachi to design a plan to make you feel better. Apparently I’m-“ his eyebrows knit together in effort to remember something “a distraction. I am not supposed to touch certain topics or even know about them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma can’t help but smile a little at his absolute disregard for the instructions, his grin soon mirrored by Kyoutani.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well at least you remembered to feed the cats. Not surprised to see that you forgot to feed yourself.” grumbles his friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you know I did not eat? I might have.” protests Kenma, too vulnerable at the moment to accept any kind of constructive criticism.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are no plates in the sink.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could have put them in the dishwasher.” he argues.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you are too lazy to do that. It’s Kuroo who always loads the dishwasher.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma can’t really stop himself from flinching at the mention of his best friend, memories from the night before flashing in his brain, digging the knife deeper into the fresh wound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma, c’mon. Do you really think I can be in this flat without mentioning him? Your reactions are so unlike you.” scolds Kyoutani, opening the paper bag he brought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuro and I never fought during more than a decade of friendship.” he simply says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The realisation stings, knowing that he managed to get something wrong along the way, that he ruined the best thing he had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyoutani sighs deeply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have some cookies. Shigeru has been stress baking. His kitchen looks like a fucking war zone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A rare smile stretches across Kyoutani’s lips, fondness overflowing from his eyes. It’s a nice change from seeing him scold, despite it being his resting face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why is he stressed?” asks Kenma, biting into the cookie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It tastes great, sugary but not too much a hint of lemon in the aftertaste that makes it unique.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyoutani looks at him in disbelief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because of the move, obviously.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s when Kenma realises that his friend is tenser than usual, the lines around his eyes uncharacteristically more pronounced. Kyoutani might not admit it, but he is clearly stressed as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is there to worry about? I was happy to finally move in with Kuro.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both avoid mentioning that Yahaba and Kyoutani are a couple, while Kuro and Kenma never were. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And never will be, </span>
  </em>
  <span>whispers a traitor part of his brain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma,” Kyoutani chuckles, “not everyone is like you and Kuroo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma simply blinks in confusion, inclining his head to the right to spur him to elaborate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Normal people need to talk about things, reach compromises, figure out on what ground they are standing on…” he trails off, looking into Kenma’s eyes to see if he understands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I guess you and him know each other so well at this point that you can figure things out without communicating but,” he huffs, the tip of his ears reddening quickly “Shigeru and I learnt the hard way that when you begin a new relationship or a new stage of life with a person, it is better to communicate. With us it usually ends in a fistfight otherwise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma thinks that him and Kuroo have been on the same wavelength since the start. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s painful to realise that this is exactly the reason why everything is falling apart: Kuroo wanted to talk, Kenma though he already figured out it was because he wanted to reject him -Kenma wonders if maybe he misunderstood something along the way, now- and Kuroo thought Kenma’s refusal to listen to him meant… something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighs defeated, looking at the ground when he feels his eyes well up with tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Kenma come on,” Kyoutani seems uncomfortable and Kenma would feel guilty for putting him in this situation, but he’s too caught up in his realisation of him and Kuroo growing so used to reading each other and assuming what the other was thinking that they stopped talking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It just happened because you guys are finally ready for a new phase. So when you feel ready, talk to him.” is the last helpful bit of advice given by Kyoutani.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma blinks away his tears, taking in a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to watch something on the tv, <em>distraction</em>?” he asks, his voice still wobbly, but feeling a bit better with how confident Kyoutani had sounded about their situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure.” he doesn’t meet Kenma’s eyes when speaking next “do you have My Neighbour Totoro?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma smiles, glad that Kyoutani got comfortable enough in their friendship to show his soft side, not bothering to hide his interests, animals and old school cartoons, under scowling expressions and drawn up shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like something special to be between the chosen ones who get to see him like that, like a precious opportunity only a few people get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ll put it on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They settle on the couch, Atticus between them so he can receive the maximum amount of petting possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why this one?” asks nonchalantly Kenma, staring at the beautiful animation of nature, the wind blowing through the tall grass so beautiful, it makes Kenma long for something he has never experienced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I used to watch it with my sisters before one of us had an important day or when we were worried about something. I guess the habit stuck.” his face is lit up by the light emitting from the screen, the colours making his edges look softer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma is so glad to have such good friends in his life, despite not even having tried that hard to make them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kyou?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The move will be okay. You two love each other and while living together is something new and different, it’s also going to make you extremely happy. I’m excited for you guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kyoutani sends a small smile in his direction as a thanks before settling back to continue watching the movie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma feels at peace for the first time, since Kuroo left the flat.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!!</p><p>Kenma receives the first bit of advice that points him in the right direction to figure out what went wrong: lack of communication. For some reason I thought if would be nice to have Kyoutani, that I think has a reputation of not being the best at communication, guide him towards this quasi-epiphany ahah <br/>also Kyouken friendship is very dear to me and in my mind Kyoutani and Yahaba are a set. do not separate so here we are! </p><p>It literally took me ages to come up with good names for the cats, but in the end Pixel sounded cute and I like to think that Kuroo would have enjoyed reading "How To kill a Mockingbird" and maybe as a young teen he would have been pretty impressed by Atticus ahah</p><p>Please, scream at me if I tagged something wrong and overall let me know if something doesn't work! English isn't my first language so apologies if certain constructs are weird ahah<br/>Feedback of any kind is appreciated!</p><p>Thank you, if you came back for the second chapter, it means a lot and thank you so much for reading!!!</p><p>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. All the words that I can't take back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kuroo leaves the house and the sight of an old acquaintance makes him reflect on what has happened.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the title of the chapter is once again from the song "Good for you", from the musical Dear Evan Hansen!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“It’s really the least I can do, c’mon.” he says, taking the blue post it note from Bokuto’s hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, dude, you’re our guest!” his best friend is now pouting to the point that even his perfectly styled hair seems to drop slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou makes sure to check if he is able to read all the items. He chuckles at the alternation of Akaashi’s neat writing and Bokuto’s big yet charming letters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Bo. I’ll grab a few things on my way back from work.” he explains, patting Bokuto on the back to make sure that his friend is not actually upset about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, but don’t make this a habit.” grumbles Bokuto, leaning into his touch like a happy dog.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou manages to hide his pain quite well at the idea of not being able to go back to his flat for that long to make it a habit, smiling at Bo and basking in his warm presence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally manages to escape from Bokuto’s arms, leaving the house is very refreshing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The weather is still terrible and the cold from the previous night, so sharp and settling deep in his bones, manages to return quickly to him, despite having an umbrella with him this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pavement is full of puddles and the streets are nearly empty since it is the time right after lunch. The sky is reflected in the water on the streets, looking like a corner of the world in which he could jump and escape the crushing weight of reality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the umbrella, his entire right shoulder ends up dripping wet anyway, because he is so used to holding up an umbrella for two, a smaller figure to his left, who prefers walking next to the wall, leaving his shoulder out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he doesn’t remove the wet jacket soon, the humidity is going to make it hurt for a long time, he thinks briefly, as a gust of wind forces him to tighten his grip on the handle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He breathes in deeply the air, for the first time in a few days relaxing fully: he loves Bokuto and Akaashi and their flat is cozy and lovely, but it doesn’t feel like home, despite everything. He misses the domesticity and the proximity. He misses Kenma so much, despite him being in his thoughts every breathing second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is also worried, thinking how forgetful Kenma can get when he is streaming or answering work emails. He hopes he is eating and sleeping properly, instead of throwing himself into editing aggressively for days on end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wishes he could run home and prepare soup for him, wrap him in a blanket and watch over him as he sleeps, but he can’t. So he forces himself to keep his eyes on the pavement and not think about his shoulder, the umbrella, Bokuto or Akaashi. Anything really, since everything reminds him of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Work is quick and not as much of a distraction as he would have liked. His shoulder continues hurting despite his care for it and his colleagues look at him differently than usual, some of them ask him if he’s feeling under the weather. Obviously he denies everything, wondering if he is just devastated from the recent events or if the last rough days might have taken a toll on his health.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pushes it aside, reminding himself that he hasn’t gotten a fever since elementary school.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stops at the grocery store on the way back like he promised. He is used to grocery shopping alone, because Kenma hates it with a passion, but there is something wrong in skipping the animal food section or in avoiding completely the dessert section.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto’s need for healthy food is pretty evident from the list, so Tetsurou makes sure to buy all the vegetables listed, smirking at Akaashi’s requests of more coffee and notebooks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How predictable.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He is wandering through the detergent isle, baffled at his friend’s preferred brand and remembering how it paled in comparison when he and Kenma tried it –“<em>what is the point of a hoodie if it is not soft</em>” had grumbled Kenma, flopping dramatically next to him on the sofa, dumping the clean laundry in his lap; for some reason they both found the situation extremely funny and they had ended up laughing long enough for the cats to hide between their clothes- when he sees them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daishou and Mika’s hands are linked as they waltz through the store, a look of awe and pure adoration on his face as she points out something before laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou makes sure to hide as well as he can when he realizes they are walking in his direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Firstly, because he still dislikes Daishou and his lack of principles when playing volleyball and secondly because even if he didn’t try to tease or nag him -which is improbable considering that the A in his name stands for Annoying and Asshole at the same time- Tetsurou would be extremely mean to them for no reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t want to do that, he can already see his eyes overflowing with bitterness, envy and pain at one mention of “your cute long-haired setter, I hear he is an internet sensation now”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Normal Tetsurou would smile charmingly at Mika, before bragging about Kenma’s success and then making a jab at Daishou, either about beating him all those years ago or about their break up. Because that’s how they interact: civil yet a bit mean.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Current Tetsurou is painfully aware of his badly fitting clothes - still Akaashi and Bokuto’s- and the half-moons under his eyes. So, he hides from them, envy tightening more and more around his lungs as he watches Daishou’s care and Mika’s patience shine so brightly he wonders how the rest of the store can ignore it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tries not to think about the few times he managed to drag Kenma to the store with him, how his flatmate would try to secretly add more items to their cart and then remind him that “<em>money is no longer a problem</em>” when Tetsurou protested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“<em>I am not even thinking about the money, you simply cannot purchase that many Kit Kats</em>.” Kenma usually didn’t reply, hiding a smile behind his PSP and raising his eyebrows as to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>watch me</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would seem disinterested in the task but then remind Tetsurou what he was forgetting when he noticed that he had stopped to think for a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma would insist on carrying one of the bags and then his arm would get tired when they reached the park close to the flat. He wouldn’t say anything, he’d simply pout, his eyebrows knitting together in annoyance at the evident sign of defeat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would grumble when Tetsurou reminded him that that was simply the result of doing only leg day, but thank him under his breath with the most precious smile -so genuine, no longer hidden behind strand of hair, now tied at the back of his head- when he helped him carry the bag.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he avoids Daishou and his happiness because he is sad enough without ruining someone else’s day, too vulnerable to face them. He waits for them to leave the store, Daishou blushing for some reason and Mika giggling, and then he checks out..</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s still raining so he has to juggle having to hold an umbrella and the two full grocery bags given by Akaashi, made of fabric and with knitted owls on them, apparently a housewarming gift from his grandmother to him and Bokuto that had made him blush furiously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His shoulder still ends up being wet and he is not sure if his hands are trembling because of the cold or the ugly feeling of loneliness sitting heavily on his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou enjoys his freedom and independence. Despite what all their friends seem to think, him and Kenma are not joint at the hip: Kenma spends many hours recording and streaming and playing off camera, while Tetsurou spends the majority of the day at work and he likes reading and going to the gym.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now the emptiness feels overwhelming and Tetsurou regrets for the first time leaving the flat. It really doesn’t matter to him now, alone in the street, under the rain, buying groceries for a house that isn’t his, if Kenma saw him cry, if they both ended up sobbing, as long as they reached an agreement, as long as things were back to what they were before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Tetsurou knows he wasn’t satisfied with how things were before they fought, that was the main reason why he gathered the courage to talk to Kenma, because he couldn’t take anymore the feeling of having everything he ever wanted just out of reach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma letting his head rest on his shoulder while watching a movie together, Kenma meeting his eyes across a room full of their friends, shining with amusement at an inside joke between them, Kenma getting mad at him everytime he tries to push him away when he feels miserable and things get to much, Kenma, soft-spoken, listening to him ramble patiently and then offering incredibly valuable and wise advice, Kenma grabbing onto him while on the train in order not to lose balance, Kenma latching onto his sleeve in a crowd of people to make sure he doesn’t get lost, when it’s just a reassuring gesture for both of them, Kenma seeking him out for support, from practical things to when he gets overwhelmed because of his career, Kenma always reliable, coming back after a long day of work and finding Kenma asleep on the sofa, the table set and the food untouched because he was waiting for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything is flashing in Tetsurou’s mind like polaroid shots, clear and frozen in time, the climax of events that pushed him to the edge, that made him realize that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to confess to Kenma, that maybe his friend was pulling away from him because he noticed his staring, his protectiveness. Maybe Kenma finally put two and two together and understood why Tetsurou never dated anyone, never brought anyone back to the flat or even made any efforts to meet anyone new.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But now Tetsurou thinks about those moments with nostalgia, because he knows he might never be as close to Kenma as before, and it’s his fault.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tells himself that the tears on his face are just drops of rain and he quickens his pace, hoping Bokuto’s loud presence will take his head off of things.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!</p><p>I know this chapter is shorter than the previous, but I need this scene separated from the other because it allows us to take a peak in Kuroo's mind, if that makes sense.<br/>Hopefully now knowing both sides of the story will show what the misunderstanding between these two silly boys was ahah</p><p>Please, scream at me if I tagged something wrong and overall let me know if something doesn't work! English isn't my first language so apologies if certain constructs are weird ahah<br/>Feedback of any kind is appreciated!</p><p>Thank you, if you came back for the third chapter, it means a lot and thank you so much for reading!!!</p><p>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. All I need is some time to think</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>More friends visit Kenma, and while he receives valuable advice, he is also the one giving guidance, surprisingly.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>longer chapter than the previous one!<br/>also you know the drill, title of the chapter from "good for you" from dear Evan Hansen, babey!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kenma considered postponing his stream for two full hours before deciding against it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's an annoying voice at the back of his head, that sounds like Kuroo, that keeps repeating that no matter how upset or angry at himself he is, he still needs to try his best to keep his routine consistent. Kenma is powerless when it comes to that voice, when it’s Kuroo’s genuine desire to protect and take care of the people that he loves, when it comes to Kuroo in general, to be honest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he streams, even if his commentary is a bit more boring than usual, even when he knows that Kuroo probably checked if he was going to go live because he is caring like that. He does not address the comments about his “pale face” or about how “tired” he looks and when his fans ask how he’s doing, he avoids the questions, talking about the cats. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hates lying, in particular to his fans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels a bit better at the end of the stream and he grabs absentmindedly his phone to text Kuroo, asking at what time he is going to be home from work, before realizing that isn't going to happen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dinner is the worst moment of the day as well, because it used to be when their time together began, sitting at their small kitchen table, talking about their day, Kenma scolding Tetsurou for spoiling the cats by giving them food under the table when he was looking away –“<em>if you are going to do that at least don’t be biased, you are giving everything to Pixel and you know it</em>”- but now, Kenma sits alone, the silence hanging heavily above him, as he manages to cook for himself without burning the house down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is not that bad at it actually, but since Kuroo enjoyed cooking so much he usually did it, while Kenma set the table for him, “<em>a setter by my own heart</em>” would add Kuroo, winking at him after delivering one of his terrible dad jokes, looking at the utensils neatly placed on the table, and then they would catch up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wishes he could tell Kuroo about the cute comment he got today or ask him if his coworker is still being a jerk, instead he stares at the empty chair, eating small bites of food since his stomach feels full with dread.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is half way through his meal, already planning to go straight to bed, because not even gaming can take his mind off of the situation, when the doorbell rings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And really, Kenma would love to deny that his heartbeat sped up and he launched himself at the door, wishing to see bad bed head and a smug yet sincere smile, but he can’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is panting when he opens the door and he nearly slams it closed with the surprise of not seeing Kuroo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The image in him mind was so clear, Kuroo’s sheepish smile and large frame, he tricked himself into thinking he was actually going to be at his door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead Morisuke and Lev are standing on their doormat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you the next part of Yachi’s plan? Comfort?” he tries to guess, pointing at Morisuke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, Yaku-san tagged along when I told him Kuroo-san ran away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma tenses up immediately at the Lev-like bluntness he never got used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t usually mind it, it’s refreshing in a world of hypocrites but it still stings, so Kenma is a bit grateful when Morisuke kicks Lev’s shin, making him yelp in surprise more than pain. Everyone knows that Morisuke does not use his strength when it comes to hitting Lev by now. He has softened up considerably during the years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lev walks into the flat without waiting for an invite, just like Kyou had the previous day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma needs new friends, clearly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be honest I don’t remember what Yachi sent me to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course you don’t.” grumbles Morisuke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It should sound scolding but over the years it morphed into something far fonder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morisuke walks straight to the kitchen, his face twisting in disappointment when he takes a look at Kenma’s dinner, but he doesn’t say anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo would have immediately started listing the lack of nutrients in Kenma’s diet, but it really isn’t fair to compare Morisuke and Kuroo, considering they’re as different as night and day, having in common only their morals, caring attitude and determination.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, finish your dinner Kenma,” Morisuke smiles kindly in his direction, sitting on Kuroo’s chair “it will be a while before Lev remembers what Yachi told him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels wrong seeing Morisuke’s smaller frame where Kuroo’s large yet never imposing one would be and it makes the void in his chest hurt even more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lev vaguely tries to deny it, before lifting Atticus from the other chair and sitting down with the cat in his lap. Lev is surprisingly a cat magnet, maybe excluding Pixel, his height never intimidating them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Probably because they can tell he is just as scary as a baby giraffe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The purring sound makes Kenma relax immediately, as well as Lev’s loud presence and Morisuke’s calming one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They catch up, talking about Kenma’s stream of earlier that day and the game he played, Morisuke’s job and Lev’s sister.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t you have to give Kenma something?” asks Morisuke, his eyes moving from Lev’s face to the pockets of his black jeans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right!” exclaims Lev, making Pixel run out of the room, always intimidated by loud people and their taller friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alisa visited a week ago and said that she wanted to give you this. She thought it would suit your background on the channel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma is surprised but not too much: for some reason the Haiba family as whole really likes him and after high school ended Alisa wanted to personally thank Kenma, Kuroo and Morisuke for how they treated Lev. </span>
  <span>It had been hilarious, and Kuroo and Kenma’s attempts at explaining that it was mainly their libero’s credit were in vain. Apparently Lev talked about how he learned all sorts of things from his captain, what being part of a team really means, and his setter, cooperation, team work and patience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The gift is neatly wrapped in pink wrapping paper and it feels small yet kind of heavy in Kenma’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he successfully unwraps it, it’s a small paperweight in the shape of a black cat. </span>
  <span>It’s adorable and it reminds him of Atticus, plus it fits perfectly with his channel’s brand, since at conventions his subscribers started gifting him cat-related things, knowing he owned two.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiles down at the cat, for some reason feeling very moved. Maybe it’s the remainder that he has more friends and support that he thinks, even of someone who is not even in his close circle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll have to thank her a lot for me, Lev.” he says, gently setting the paperweight on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morisuke prepares tea for all of them, refusing to sit down despite Kenma’s (weak) attempts of being a good host. It is a waste of energy considering that Morisuke is most possibly the worst guest in the world, always wanting to be useful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma-san,” and really he should have known right away “can I ask you why Kuroo-san left?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thinks </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lev is curious and blunt enough to play the part of the person who finally asks about it. Well played, Hitoka.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” adds Morisuke after a moment of silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But maybe it would make you feel better. I know it doesn’t look like it” he side-eyes Lev, “but we are good listeners.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma is about to refuse, when he realizes he has yet to describe what actually happened to someone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And really, it is worth a try. Maybe he will have an epiphany. </span>
</p><p><span>He recounts how in the days before the argument he had tried to distance himself discretely from Kuroo, because he found his presence overwhelming. He doesn’t have to say that more than overwhelming it was</span> <span>distracting, painful, like basking for too long in the warmth of a fire before leaning in too much.</span></p><p>
  <span>He never had to explain to his friends that he was in love with Kuroo. At first he thought it was because they were all extremely observant, but later he started to realize that maybe he was just obvious. And with that realization came the fear of Kuroo finding out next and rejecting Kenma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he distanced himself, hoping that Kuroo wouldn’t notice any change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he did, of course. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He then proceeds explaining how Kuroo wanted to talk and how he got scared it was because of his attempts to distance himself. The argument, Kuroo’s tears, Kuroo running away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He explains robotically, only describing the facts and events, knowing that if he starts talking about how he feels, he will break down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morisuke looks at him with pity, while Lev simply seems confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did you not let him explain what he wanted to talk about?” asks the younger, tipping his head slightly to the right, his hair catching the light in a fascinating way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because he clearly understood how I was feeling and decided to confront me about it.” he explains, remembering Kuroo’s determined expression when he asked him to talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I didn’t know that Kenma-san could read minds!” jokes Lev, probably trying to lighten the mood but only managing to remind him that he made a mistake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think he wanted to talk about then?” he asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know and even if I did it would not be my place to tell you but,” Morisuke sighs “I know Kuroo nearly as well as you. He is really observant, sure, but not when he is overthinking about something else. In that situation, he does not notice the rest of the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma appreciates his attempt to make him feel better but he shakes his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He noticed how I changed my behaviour towards him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t mention the flashes of confusion in Kuroo’s eyes when Kenma would make up a silly excuse to avoid watching movies with him at night or how his hurt expression when Kenma would move imperceptibly out of reach from him, such tiny movements that no one should have noticed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Kuroo had always noticed everything about Kenma, even the small things, he catalogued his expressions, knew perfectly how Kenma took his coffee –“<em>three spoons and a half of sugar and all that milk, that’s hardly coffee anymore, kitten</em>”-, or what music to play while they were cooking based on Kenma’s mood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was the only person who </span>
  <em>
    <span>saw</span>
  </em>
  <span> him and Kenma had managed to drive him away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But why decide to distance yourself in the first place?” asks Morisuke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I told you, it was overwhelming.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma doesn’t think it’s a coincidence that Morisuke is asking a question that he already answered to, especially considering the raised eyebrows and the look in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma has to admit, but only to himself, <em>thank you very much Morisuke</em>, that maybe he was trying to buy himself some time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s because his friendship with Kuroo felt like an hourglass, Kenma drowning in the sand, with no time to figure out how to maybe change it, maybe turn it into something more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you were going to change the situation you both have been familiar with for so long, without giving an explanation, when you could have been straight forward about it?” asks Lev, in dismay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lev, I can’t possibly-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, confess?” he offers, placidly looking at Kenma with big green eyes, as if he didn’t just voice Kenma’s biggest fear and coincidentally said what had been unsaid for so long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lev!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morisuke turns to look at him in shock, shaking his head left and right. Kenma would find it funny, if he wasn’t stuck thinking about confessing to Kuroo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yaku’s reaction makes sense, considering that no one ever had the guts to openly talk about Kenma’s pining with Kuroo. He was sure they had discussed it several times in his absence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” he turns to look at Morisuke, his expression confused “did I get it wrong? Isn’t Kenma-san in love with Kuroo-san?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there it is, in such a simple question the very reason for Kenma’s agony and happiness summed up in a few words, tumbling down Lev’s unaware lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And everything feels so absurd and chaotic, Kuroo’s absence in the room, that universal truth, Kenma loving Kuroo, stated so simply, as if those words alone don’t make an army of butterflies take flight in Kenma’s stomach and his head ache, Lev’s shocked face, as if everything was really that simple, that after one glance him and Morisuke just end up laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma hides his giggles behind his right hand, his heart aching at the thought that the longest period spent without laughing lines up with the longest period not interacting with Kuroo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How did he live before meeting Kuroo? How did he not feel extremely lonely? He feels empty now and so tired, as if the weight of the world had been dropped on his shoulders with no warning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally manages to breathe again, he notices Morisuke’s enamoured face as he stares at Lev from across the table, his lips parted as his eyes slowly trace Lev’s features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The half Russian is still looking at Kenma, waiting for a response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes I am good at reading people and sometimes I’m not and this might be the second case, but…I think that Kenma-san would</span>
  <span>n't refuse to face directly a boss if he knew there was not a stealth mode possibility in a game, you know?” says Lev, shrugging.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morisuke’s eyebrows are knitted together with the effort of understanding the complicated metaphor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean?” mumbles Kenma, avoiding Lev’s gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except he knows exactly what he means: there is no other way around the issue. The only thing he can do is be honest, confess and hope for the best, because he will never find peace trying to achieve what he wants in other ways, “through stealth mode.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because despite all his insecurities and fears to confess to Kuroo, there is some part of him, the objective, analytical one that knows that, after Kuroo graduated, their dynamic shifted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not seeing each other every day, showed Kenma that he didn’t mind putting in effort to maintain their friendship, it forced both of them to become aware of their relationship and dedicate some time of their day to the other consciously. They were not only friends because they took the same train and they lived near each other. It felt like pleading his parents to let him attend Nekoma to be with Kuroo all over again, deliberately deciding to be with each other and not only because fate wanted them to be neighbours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In some way it felt like choosing each other all over again, every day, with every call, text and meeting and despite the distance they were closer than ever. It also chased away all the doubts they both had of the other being with them for convenience or pity. Kenma texted Kuroo stupid cat memes because he wanted to talk to him and Kuroo called him on a Friday night instead of going to a party because he cared about him more than anything else university could offer him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, late at night Kenma lets himself think that them actually being together is only a natural progression of where their relationship was already headed and they just need to follow the path so that one day they could buy a double bed and turn Kenma’s room into an office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then he falls asleep and he wakes up the next day to see Kuroo shirtless making breakfast in the kitchen, humming a catchy tune and talking to their cats and he thinks that there is no way Kuroo would want him, that he is lucky enough being his friend and roommate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma-san?” he flinches away, noticing Lev’s massive hand waving in front of his face, trying to catch his attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes? Sorry, I was thinking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it okay if I use your bathroom?” asks the giant, gesturing at his hands, sticky with the sugar from the tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you even manage to do that?” asks Morisuke, exasperation and awe present in equal measure in his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure.” mumbles Kenma, still thinking about what Lev has said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moves to load the dishwasher with the used cutlery, managing to keep Morisuke in his seat for only two minutes, before his smaller friend decides to pass him the plates and put away tea and water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morisuke is kind enough to announce he is going to talk with a loud sigh, so that Kenma can brace himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lev is right, you know?” he looks surprised to be saying that, which is a little bit funny, but he is serious now, so Kenma knows that he will not back down on this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That is why he decides to strike back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You really don’t have room to talk.” he does not manage to keep a smirk off of his face, so he ducks to put the plates neatly one next to the other, the way Kuroo always wants them to be but Kenma is too lazy to actually do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ironic that he is doing it now that Kuroo can’t see it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence that follows his statement however makes him turn to look at the libero, stubbornly on his tip toes trying to put the salt and pepper on the top shelf. Kuroo usually takes care of it, because Kenma can reach only if he stretches and he prefers not doing it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” grunts Morisuke, his cheek turning crimson fast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yaku’s crush on Lev had been an interesting development. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In high school it was clear that despite Lev’s absolute admiration for the libero, he took upon himself the position of mentor and nothing else, very similar to Kuroo’s quiet support in the form of enigmatic yet precious advice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, when the third years graduated, despite his inner turmoil and panicked litany of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kuro’s leaving, Kuro’s leaving me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he managed to notice Morisuke’s hand linger on Lev’s back longer than usual and his insistence to pay for Lev’s pork buns that made Kuroo smirk knowingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo had always been better than him at understating romantic relationships, maybe because deep down he is a romantic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently, after Yaku left for university, they lost touch, only seeing each other at their reunions during Christmas and summer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was when Lev started attending university as well that Kenma thinks something changed: Morisuke’s glances started to be fonder and instead of scolding Lev like a teacher, he would try to patiently explain until the younger boy understood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was hard to understand what went through Lev’s mind, but his admiration for Morisuke never wavered and his fair cheeks would sometimes turn red when Kuroo made a joke about him and Yaku being together. He never denied nor admitted anything but his eyes turned sad when Morisuke hurried to deny the rumors in front of everyone, threatening Kuroo to punch him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t even know you consider him a friend, probably.” he decides to answer, because Yaku is stubborn and oblivious but he is Kenma’s friend and him and Lev are going to need all the help they can get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a thing he realized last time they met up together and then discussed with Kuroo: Lev still seemed surprised when Yaku treated him as an equal, as a friend and not as a younger kid to train or mentor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The libero huffs a laugh, shaking his head and finally sitting down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is not that stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma answers simply by raising his eyebrows, trying not to laugh at Morisuke’s horrified expression when the realization hits him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, he is that stupid.” whispers to himself Yaku, staring at Lev’s empty seat in confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God, he doesn’t even know we’re friends!” he whisper-shouts, turning to Kenma, wildly gesturing with his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How does he think that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morisuke…” he thinks carefully before continuing “Lev put you on a pedestal a long time ago. He still considers you the reliable senpai, untouchable. He probably thinks you’re out of his league, maybe he never even allowed himself to think about dating you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He thinks I’m out of his league? He is a model, Kenma, people turn to look at him in the streets! Everything he wears seems fashionable.” he is vehemently gesturing now, turning redder by the second.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is worse than I thought.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Lev chooses that moment to come back, helping Kenma to tidy up, asking several times if </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yaku-san is feeling okay, </span>
  </em>
  <span>since he looks <em>a bit red</em>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lets their bickering relax him, the echoes of their voices in the flat not what he wishes to hear, Kuroo’s sleepy voice, some dumb documentary playing in the background or his jazz playlist, but still melting away the tension from his shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels a bit better and when he says goodbye at the door, he lets Lev drag him in a clumsy hug, while Morisuke pats the top of his head, smiling a warm reassuring smile, the kind that seems like a thank you as well.</span>
</p><p><em>Hitoka’s plan seems to be working, </em>thinks Kenma, treasuring the smile he has now on his lips.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!</p><p>Here's the next step of Yachi's plan ahah, hopefully my Yakulev aren't awfully out of character, even if I feel like Morisuke is slightly less cooler than canon Yaku (but really the suit, sunglasses and pushed back hair is kind of hard to beat)<br/>Kenma is doing some thinking that will (fingers crossed) provide some progress!!</p><p>I don't think we have too many chapter left, depends on how I decide to split them, but three, perhaps four? we will see ahah</p><p>Please, let me know if something doesn't work, English isn't my first language so apologies if something's off ahah<br/>Comments of any kind are appreciated!</p><p>Thank you, if you came back for the fourth chapter, it means a lot and thank you so much for reading!!!</p><p>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. But the boat is about to sink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The captains try to cheer Tetsurou up, they end up doing more than that.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yep yep yep title from deh "good for you" !!<br/>this one is quite long, I think</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I mean,” huffs Akaashi shaking his head, “I’m hardly surprised you got a fever after you run under the rain in winter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou makes sure to squint at him, despite feeling too weak to do anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bro, Keiji is right! You are burning hot! You need to call in sick, we can’t have you getting worse.” exclaims Bokuto, mouthing an apology when Tetsurou flinches at his loud voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He subconsciously pushes against Bokuto’s cooler hand, seeking relief from the burning hot feeling in his whole body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to stay in the whole day, I’m already miserable when I keep myself busy, if I can’t leave I’ll just… continue thinking about the situation.” he finally admits, guiltily thinking back to a couple hours earlier, when he watched Kenma’s livestream, laying on the sofa with earphones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew from the start that it was going to be a bad idea, but he simply couldn’t stop, wanting to check on his roommate so bad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s how he ended up staring at Kenma through a screen, something he had promised himself he would have never have to do again after the first year of university. His best friend didn’t look great, which did not improve his mood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was Kenma sleeping? Was he eating something substantial and nutritional or was he avoiding all the vegetables in their fridge until he had to throw them out? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His viewers were oblivious, but Tetsurou could read the pain and despair hidden under the exhaustion and it only served to make him feel worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt so guilty, knowing all of this would not have happened if he had just kept his mouth shut, if he had not scared Kenma away with all his questions and affection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll keep you company!” whispers-shouts Bokuto, moving enough to make the sofa shake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou attempts to smile, grumbling when Akaashi orders him to swallow, before pouring medicine down his throat without any warning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not my mum.” he hisses when he’s finally able to speak again, scrunching up his nose at the bad taste.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Behave, I have Yaku-san on speed dial. Also Kenma’s <em>ick face</em> is not as effective when you make it.” deadpans Akaashi, folding his legs under his body, hiding his grin behind a massive book.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we were not talking about him.” whispers Bokuto to Akaashi, wide eyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Bo. I'll eventually have to talk about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto’s face lights up because contrary to popular opinion he’s actually a great listener, who enjoys helping his friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just not right now,” he pats the top of Bokuto’s head, where his hair style seems to have lost volume, reflecting his pouting face “I need a nap now. My head is killing me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curls up in the smallest ball he can manage on the couch, pressing his face against the surface to block light and any sound, managing to leave more than enough space for the other two. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's not that hard considering Akaashi is nearly sitting in Bokuto’s lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He falls asleep to the sound of book pages being turned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wakes up to the sound of familiar voices, slowly blinking and raising his head from the couch. When his eyes finally manage to focus he sees two more figures, while Akaashi is closing the door behind them</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Guests.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tries to sit up but the pounding of his headache makes him wince and lay back down, his hands hurrying to cover his eyelids, the light coming from the window only increasing the sharp pressure on his skull.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay down Tetsu, Akaashi is going to buy more medicine and we’re making soup in the kitchen. You have guests.” informs him Bokuto’s voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grunts when a strong hand cups the back of his head, helping him sit up and then guiding a fuzzy glass of water to his mouth, that he manages to see through squinting eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Start taking this and when Keiji is back and you have eaten you can have some more, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou really can’t be bothered to ask what medicine they’re giving him, he just grabs the glass of water, muttering a thank you when Bokuto’s other hand steadies his, and gulps it down, trying to get rid of the feeling of cotton in his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He whimpers at the feeling of water going down his sore throat, as if had swallowed a thousand microblades.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slumps against the couch again, resting his head against Bokuto’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn bro, you’re really burning up, how did you manage to get fever this intense? Can’t really do things by halves, can you?” huffs the other boy, pushing his sweaty fringe back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” he mumbles, closing his eyes in relief when fresh air hits his damp forehead, immediately shivering afterwards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey it’s not like it’s your fault!” replies Bokuto, waving his big hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not about the fever,” he blinks trying to string together a coherent thought, the medicine slightly helping “well, also about the fever, but because I invaded your house out of nowhere and-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto starts reassuring him, saying that he and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Keiji</span>
  </em>
  <span> like having him there and that he would </span>
  <em>
    <span>do anything for his best bro</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but Tetsurou is already feeling emotional, so he shakes his head interrupting his friend, swallowing down the lump in his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to go home, Bo.” he manages to whisper, feeling dread in his sore throat when he realizes that his eyes are watering up and his lip wobbling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is too weak to escape the hug that follows, completely enveloping him and letting him hide his face against Bokuto’s neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen,” murmurs his friend, “I know we didn’t discuss the situation and I know that you probably have been overthinking many things these couple of days. But I just want to reassure you that having you here will never feel like a burden to me or Keiji, okay? And I know you miss Kenma, so so much,” he sighs, his chest lowering under Tetsurou’s head “I don’t know what I would do without Keiji, but I know that you guys will be fine. I can feel it, Kuroo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a different approach from Akaashi’s rational explanation after a careful observation, but for some reason, it feels more powerful and reassuring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto has complete faith in Kuroo and Kenma’s relationship and really, why shouldn’t he? Historically speaking, they have always been able to face any obstacle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That is one of the best things about Bokuto: he is the best friend anyone could ever ask for, endlessly supportive with a positive yet not naïve outlook on life. He might be stating the obvious at times, but it’s refreshing and healing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou could not be more grateful to have met him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem, bro. I just hate seeing you like this, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou doesn’t get to answer, because they are interrupted by someone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you guys decided to get a cat! An oversized one as well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou takes a deep breath through his nostrils when he sees Oikawa Tooru and Sawamura Daichi standing in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are mistaken Oikawa-san,” corrects Akaashi, closing the curtains of the living room, smiling when Tetsurou’s thanks him “he is our trophy wife.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa claps his hands in delight at the answer, leaning against Sawamura’s shoulder, throwing his head back to laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bo is literally the angel in this relationship and everyone keeps ignoring the evidence.” he grumbles, sticking his tongue out in Akaashi’s direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never denied it.” deadpans the younger, leaning forward to kiss Bokuto’s forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going out to buy some medicine for Kuroo-san and get something from the office, I’ll see you soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa collapses on the couch as soon as he leaves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Finally, I’m back being the prettiest guy in the room. Keiji-kun is some strong competition.” he whines, leaning his head against Tetsurou’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you guys doing here?” he asks, looking at the two former captains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura hesitates before sitting down, too polite to do it without an invitation, that Bokuto is not going to remember to offer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were worried.” says Daichi, his eyes carefully studying him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou feels the urge to hide for some reason, knowing he looks exactly how he feels: shaken, confused and tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The times when he saw Daichi as a rival are long gone, but their friendship still has that hint of competitiveness that spurs them to try and better themselves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking at reliable, strong as a rock Sawamura, Tetsurou certainly feels like he is losing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is not what we agreed we were going to say.” grumbles Oikawa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his complaints, his eyes go soft as they meet Tetsurou’s, understanding shining in them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, this is not what </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> decided we were going to say. I never agreed to it.” replies placidly Daichi, amusement making wrinkles appear at the side of his eyes, as he presses his lips together to hide a smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some people run away when faced with actual concern!” argues Tooru, gesticulating wildly, his eyebrows knitting together in frustration.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not everyone is you, Oikawa.” chuckles Tetsurou, sitting better against the couch now that the meds are kicking in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa smiles charmingly, not realising that Tetsurou did not intend his statement to be taken as a compliment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why were you worried?” he sighs, turning to look at Sawamura.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows the answer, they all do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s in the dark circles around his eyes and in his hunched shoulders, however his face must show his desolation because Daichi, kind, stern, straightforward, humours him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both you and Bokuto were awfully quiet on the group chat for days and did not answer when we directly asked you what was going on. Suga got pissed at my many hypotheses about what could have happened and he asked around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t worried.” sing songs Oikawa, his eyes flashing as a warning at Daichi, as if he said something he shouldn’t have.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou doesn’t like how they are all treading lightly on the ground, skirting around the issue. He appreciates their concern and he knows he might cry again if someone mentions Kenma, but to be honest, he might need it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a lie, stop pretending you don’t care about us, it’s been years.” he decides on saying, kicking Oikawa lightly in the shin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hides a laugh at his reaction, rolling his eyes as his friend pokes his tongue out at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, don’t you care about me?” asks Bokuto, eyes going big and his lips slightly pouting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa blinks, speechless under the power of Bokuto’s famous puppy eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That serves you right.” declares Daichi, nodding to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, how is everyone doing?” asks Bokuto, getting more comfortable on the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” breathes Daichi, immediately earning a few skeptical glances.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s just… work.” Sawamura sighs heavily, deflating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are not making you do reckless things, right?” asks Tetsurou, straightening his spine and attentively looking at his friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not particularly, it’s just,” he rubs the back of his neck “really hard sometimes. You know, people you can’t save, criminals getting away with terrible things.” his face hardens, “corruption.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou wants to ask more, but a look from Bokuto shuts him up. Sawamura is clearly done talking about the topic for a reason and he knows where to find them if he needs to vent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa, always good at reading the room, skillfully redirects the conversation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about Refreshing-kun?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura’s eyes light up instantly, the hard lines from before melting instantly in a soft expression of pure adoration.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s wonderful to see first hand the effect that love has on people, how light it instantly makes the heart feel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is doing well. Our house is filled to the brim with books about pedagogy, I nearly stumble over some piles of them in the office.” he laughs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou can’t get over how smitten Sawamura still looks; whenever he talks about Suga, it is as if they just shared their first kiss, fell asleep in each other’s arms for the first time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their love is the best example of a healthy relationship he can look up to, not having seen one growing up. It’s as if fate personally had hand crafted their souls to be together. It feels as blinding as the reflection of their wedding rings catching the sun, as comforting as Daichi’s pats on the shoulder and Suga’s warm smiles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou looks at them or the way Sawamura’s entire expression shifts at the slight mention of his husband and he sees two people growing old together, building a family, two people holding hands through the hardships of life, fingers intertwined no matter what happens.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is always reading them, on the couch, in bed.” he sighs, a smile still on his face “he would do anything for those kids.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drink tea, talking about some manga Oikawa is obsessed with and how he will “absolutely lend it to Tetsu-chan” when he finishes it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Speaking of manga readers,” says Sawamura, putting his mug carefully on the coffee table, ”Ushijima wanted to come visit as well, but he had to train today and he has an interview tomorrow. He says he’ll call you to catch up soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Ushiwaka is busy and successful.” grumbles Oikawa, aggressively biting into a cookie “why is everyone so busy anyway?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” asks Bokuto, his right cheek decorated by some chocolate and crumbs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Yahaba-chan is moving so we couldn’t meet as we scheduled, Makki and Mattsun are both away for work and Iwa-chan…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face darkens and the boys in the room quickly share a worried glance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the many years of friendship, Oikawa and Iwaizumi still manage to find ways to argue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou thinks is all the pent up sexual tension between them, but the only time he had suggested it, Oikawa had turned the darkest red he had ever seen and he went on a rant of thirty minutes about how he could never like Iwa-chan, effectively convincing all the former captains of the opposite.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you guys have a fight?” asks slowly Bokuto, fidgeting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa gets really intense when he’s mad, as intimidating as he was on the court. Some people tend to forget how determined and strong willed he is because of how much he likes to tease and whine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s just going out with new friends from work,” he says, staring at his finger rubbing against the table “he keeps talking about this,” he moves his hands, swallowing “guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa had a tendency to be controlling: not in an alarming, scary way, but he liked to strategize, know everything there is to know about what he loves, volleyball, weird sci-fi novels, documentaries about serial killers and his friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While he was away, something changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou doesn’t precisely know what happened, because he had been distant for a while over text, but it seemed as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carefree Tooru was far more present than before, he seemed more focused on enjoying his life, obviously still pursuing his ambitions but not as recklessly and desperately as before. He had a healthier way of trying to reach his goals and it was a relief when both he and Kenma noticed that small shift in his personality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma seemed to know something more, which probably meant Hinata was involved -and when had he not been, honestly- but Tetsurou was satisfied with seeing his friend run after a volleyball because he found the challenge fun and interesting, instead of it being a way to prove his worth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, Tooru is still Tooru: possessive of his friends when he feels neglected, insecure and scared of losing them, especially after he lost contact with some of them while he was away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tooru does not do things by halves, he loves fiercely, he plays ruthlessly, trains recklessly and if he is hurt, he activates all his defenses in order not to show that he is human and in need of help.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had an habit to glare at Tetsurou's first girlfriend -and last, because trying to avoid his feelings for Kenma by dating other people was the dumbest suggestion of all time, </span>
  <em>
    <span>thanks very much Yamamoto</span>
  </em>
  <span>- when she was being clingy or trying to steal his attention from his friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Technically Oikawa had been right, she was not very nice and Tetsurou had been left unexpectedly heartbroken, despite not being all that invested in the relationship. He should have known though, considering Tooru’s gut feeling was usually very accurate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s hard to understand if his worries are legitimate when it comes to Iwaizumi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How does that make you feel?” asks Sawamura, shrugging his shoulders when Tetsurou turns to look at him wide eyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Way to be subtle, Daichi.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sound like my therapist.” grumbles Oikawa, looking at them suspiciously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, better get to the bottom of this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re avoiding the question.” notes Tetsurou, raising his eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well and you are not in your flat, want to talk about that?” hisses Oikawa, shoulders coming up to his ears as he tries to shield himself from their insinuations.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou flinches at his question, mouth opening and closing in vain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tooru…” mutters Daichi, sighing deeply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou raises his hand, silently asking Daichi to stop. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sounding like a disappointed parent and scolding Oikawa isn’t going to make him feel better and he supposes he is not really in the position to judge how Tooru is avoiding the issue, considering how he didn’t even address his own situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stare silently at each other for a second, Bokuto a fidgeting presence next to him, as he sees pain and guilt swirling in Oikawa’s eyes. Their relationship had always been different from his other friendships. What he and Tooru had come to realise quite soon was how similar they were, ambitious, determined, dedicated to their work and passionate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both insecure but dealing with it in different ways; Oikawa tackled his problems straight on, never admitting his weaknesses, hiding his lack of self worth under bravado and charming smiles. Oikawa attacked before others had a chance to, he fought, biting and scratching, for what he wanted, never asked for help from anyone, apart from Iwaizumi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou wasn’t like that: as soon as someone seemed uninterested in him, he let them go too quickly, not even fighting for them, probably because deep down he thought they could never find something worth a while in him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the fact of being so similar and yet so different that allowed them to hurt each other so effortlessly, oftentimes recognising their mistake afterwards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou wants to bang his head against the table at the realisation that their both unhappy with their relationships with their best friends for these specific reasons: Oikawa, fighting tooth and nail, trying everything to maintain Iwaizumi’s attention because he doesn’t know how he could deal with losing him, something he is scared of since the moment they became friends and Tetsurou, losing Kenma because he pulled away at the first sign of discomfort and confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The worst thing is that the pain in Tooru’s eyes is so familiar that for a moment Tetsurou wonders if he’s staring in the mirror, the fear so similar to his, that he deflates instantly, no strength or will to argue with one of his best friends only because they are both hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa seems to come to the same realisation because he takes a deep breath before letting his shoulder relax.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only two words and yet he clearly means it, his apology is genuine as his bottom lips wobbles a bit, because Tooru is emotional and tired and maybe he has been in need of talking badly for a while since all his friends are busy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Tooru.” he whispers, happy to find he is not as choked up as he thought, “it seems like we both need a break.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They giggle, because it is really silly how they are both so helpless when it comes to certain things, while Sawamura looks confused and Bokuto extremely relieved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about we watch something? You guys don’t have to leave yet, right?” asks Bokuto, slapping Tetsurou on the back when he helps him with the tidying up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could watch this documentary-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Oikawa, your documentaries make me tense for the whole day.” vetoes Sawamura, backed up by Bokuto vehemently shaking his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tetsu-chan likes them.” grumbles Tooru, letting himself fall dramatically on the couch, resting his head on Tetsurou shoulder and stretching his legs on Sawamura’s lap, who huffs a laugh, rolling his eyes but letting him stay there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do, but I have to agree that they are a bit intense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Traitor.” whispers Oikawa, poking him in the side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could watch that action movie, Nishinoya keeps texting me about it, apparently-“ Sawamura squints at the screen of his phone “the review is “ ‘<em>many explosions, not v romantic but extremely cool</em>’”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They all skeptically stare at each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about a rom-com?” offers Bokuto, turning the tv on.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The movie ends up being okay; they make fun of it for the first half because of the many clichès but the ending manages to make them all emotional, Oikawa sobbing loudly against Tetsurou’s shoulder and Bokuto wiping a few tears away from his cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akaashi finds them laying on the sofa in silence, Oikawa still crying, and he doesn’t say anything, simply raising an eyebrow and throwing the medicine to Tetsurou, glad since he started feeling weak and feverish again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh wow, it’s later than I thought.” realises Daichi, looking at his phone, “Koushi will start cooking in a while and if I want to help him, I better get going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I should head back as well, I have a busy day tomorrow.” says Oikawa, standing up with Sawamura, stretching his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your eyes are still red from crying.” giggles Bokuto, tapping his index against Tooru’s cheekbone, next to where the skin is pink from when he wiped his tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” denies the former setter, putting on his coat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sawamura-san?” calls Akaashi from the kitchen, his head appearing from the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” Daichi turns to look at him, pausing mid air, while putting on his leather jacket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could I ask you to bring to Suga-san a book he asked me to lend him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura lights up, agreeing happily and following Akaashi to the living room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Koutarou, please go check on the vegetables on the stove while I search the book.” says Akaashi, before disappearing in his office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bokuto nods enthusiastically, speed walking to the kitchen, happy to be trusted with a task by his boyfriend, even after years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou turns to look at Oikawa, who’s inspecting the dry skin around his eyes with his nose scrunched up, in the reflection of his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oikawa no one will be able to guess you cried, don’t worry.” reassures Tetsurou patting him on the shoulder, grinning when Tooru turns to thank him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean it’s probably because no one believes you have feelings so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ducks when Oikawa straightens his head instantly, jabbing him in the sides with long pointy fingers, an offended look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m kidding!” he manages to say, breathing heavily after trying to get away from his friend, who is also laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They manage to stop giggling after a couple of seconds, leaning against the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tooru,” he starts, looking at his light blue socks against the reddish colour of wood flooring, right next to Oikawa’s mismatched ones, with different patterns on them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turns to look at him, probably sensing that what he is going to say is important.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t distance yourself again.” he blurts out, biting the inside of his cheek in frustration. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s usually good with words, but he is always worried of accidentally hurting Oikawa when he tries to give him advice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not planning on doing that.” murmurs his friend, resting his elbow on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And maybe call Iwaizumi,” he doesn’t stop despite feeling Oikawa tense up “tell him how his behaviour is making you feel, let him know that you miss him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikaws scoffs, ready to argue but Tetsurou doesn’t let him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Tooru, really! If you can’t tell him of all people, how you really feel, who do you talk to? There is nothing wrong with telling the people you love that you love them or letting yourself be vulnerable and honest with them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuroo, you of all people know exactly why I can’t tell him-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tooru, there is a difference between confessing and healthily letting your best friend know how you feel, okay? I’m happy you told us and you are not bottling up how you feel again, but why not tell Iwaizumi? If you were him, would you not want to know that you were hurting him?” he asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course! But that's because I care about him a lot!” reasons Oikawa, his hands moving in big gestures as he avoids Testurou’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you think Iwaizumi doesn’t?” he asks, shocked at the fact that Oikawa could even think that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He seems to struggle to find the words, starting sentences and stopping in the middle for a while before answering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just think he cares in a different way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The admission is quiet and out of character with Oikawa staring at his feet dejectedly, self loathing clinging to his every breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa is a victor, defeat doesn't look right on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou remains speechless for a while, because he did not expect Oikawa to admit his feelings and because that sentence has been Tetsurou’s nightmare for years now and he feels like a hypocrite trying to scold Tooru for acting exactly how he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thinks carefully about what he wants to say before talking, Oikawa still avoiding his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe. I’m in no position to answer that . What I can tell you is that Iwaizumi cares a lot more than you think and it would destroy him not to know that something he did is hurting you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t feel like making bold statements because admittedly he doesn’t actually know how Iwaizumi feels about Oikawa and he is not going to give him false hope, so he simply goes with the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just being stupid Kuroo, he’s allowed to have other friends!” grumbles Oikawa, shaking his head and blinking rapidly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course he is, but if you tell him how you feel, he’ll find ways to reassure you that he is not leaving you…<em>ever</em>, Tooru, and I’m ready to bet on that. You are really blind when it comes to reading people. What, you think he stuck around just because, even after you disappeared on us while you were away, and not because you are important to him?” he asks, a laugh bubbling in his throat at the thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iwaizumi is a caring person, but he would not hang out with someone he does not care deeply about for those many years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou thinks back to the times they went out drinking together and Iwaizumi would avoid drinking alcohol, if he knew that Tooru was going to, just so that he could bring him home safely. He remembers the times when Oikawa wouldn’t answer anyone’s text while being away and how often Iwaizumi would contact him, asking him if he had any news. He didn’t have the heart to tell him that if Tooru wasn’t texting his best friend, he was clearly avoiding everyone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thinks of the first months after Oikawa returned and Iwaizumi collected him at the airport, despite being hurt and angry because Oikawa had disappeared for so long, not saying anything because he knew Tooru needed that non judgemental silence. It would be foolish to even consider for a second that Iwaizumi does not care about Oikawa with every fibre of his being.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why it’s particularly concerning how Tooru stays silent, not answering his last question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou has to take a deep breath in order not to grab him by the shoulders and try to shake some sense into him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just, think about it, okay? We all care about you a lot more than you think, idiot.” he ends up saying, breathing a sigh of relief when Oikawa finally raises his head, the tension in his shoulders gone and his eyes a bit wet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tetsu.” is all he says hugging him with one arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou sighs, relaxed by the smell of Oikawa’s shampoo and the feeling of his soft wavy hair against his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They part when the others come back, chatting politely with each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sawamura hugs him quickly, but Tetsurou has the chance to whisper “I’m sorry I made you worry.” before letting go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just glad you’re okay.” answers Daichi, clapping him on the shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you soon Tetsu,” mumbles Tooru against his shoulder when they say bye “thanks, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tetsurou huffs a laugh before trying to mess his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anytime.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they leave, Tetsurou feels lighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had been feeling useless for the past few days, but seeing Oikawa’s shoulders relax after their talk soothed him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before going to bed that night, he hopes Oikawa and Iwaizumi can fix their problems nearly as much as he hopes him and Kenma can talk and resolve their issues.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!!</p><p>It's Kuroo's turn to do some thinking and help others out and I could not resist the opportunity to sprinkle in some oikuroo &lt;3<br/>also I didn't include the other captains because it would have been way too many and because I was already terrified while writing Oikawa (he is so complex, please send help), imagine adding Kita to the mix lol</p><p>The iwaoi situation is probably out of character but I hope you can forgive me, ahah, also I know the iwaoi nation is fond of angst so this one is for you (you are welcome? I am sorry? idk what you say in these situations, angst isn't really my thing) and yes Daichi is a loving husband first and a human second, what about it</p><p>very nearly did a U turn and turned into bokuakakuroken this chapter as well, but I managed to avoid doing that, which I am counting as a win</p><p>Please, let me know if something doesn't work, English isn't my first language so apologies if something's off ahah<br/>Comments of any kind are appreciated!</p><p>Thank you, if you came back for the fifth chapter, it means a lot and thank you so much for reading!!!</p><p>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Can't erase what I wrote in ink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>One more person visits Kenma and gives him something important</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>yep you guessed chapter title from deh "good for you" !!<br/>short chapter!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kenma doesn’t get excited anymore when someone rings the bell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has reached the stage where he has given up on Kuroo coming back and he has been texting Hinata nearly everyday, refusing to go and seek out Kuroo, despite how many times Tora suggests he does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the buzz goes off at 9 pm, days after the night since Kuro left, he contemplates not getting up from the couch. He had dinner in the living room that night, some noodles he found at the back of the kitchen cupboard because he did not have the strength to set the table and have an actual meal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had spent the day on the couch, just endlessly scrolling on social media, not even playing games, procrastinating filming his video, which means he’ll have to film </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> edit the whole day tomorrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Atticus had tried getting him to play with him, but in the end he had given up, laying on his legs while Pixel curled up on his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He decided to ignore anyone’s texts and he forgot about having lunch, but considering the situation he is doing okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because at this point Kuroo isn’t coming back and Kenma is trying his best to accept the fact, too tired to cry at this point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighs deeply when whoever’s outside buzzes again and he gets up from the couch, slowly walking towards the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opens it, he is even more surprised than he would have been if he had found Kuroo in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kozume-san.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima stands tall and intimidating as ever in front of him, his shadow looming over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is wearing a simple yet fashionable clothes, but his sneakers tell Kenma he is visiting after having had dinner home and not coming straight from work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly Kenma is painfully aware of the dirty plate on the coffee table or his unbrushed hair or the fact that he is wearing Kuroo’s old Nekoma sweatshirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are not who I was expecting.” he manages to say, reluctantly moving away from the door to let the blond in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima looks around the room with raised eyebrows, of course noticing all the small details that paint Kenma as mess, thankfully not commenting on them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah,” he says, before any greeting, while toeing his shoes off “Shoyo’s plan that’s actually Hitoka’s,” a small smile “of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma is not surprised by how informed on the situation Tsukishima seems to be, considering he is very close to Kuroo and his former teammates.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At some point during high school, Tsukishima grew out of pushing people away, which brought him to finally treat his peers in Karasuno as friends -apart from Yamaguchi who had been an exception all along- and willingly hang out with Kuroo and Bokuto. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was still snarky and he pretended to be mean, but there was a distinct lack of bite in his comments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This doesn’t mean that Kenma isn’t intimidated by him, even when they sit down on the couch and Tsukishima isn’t towering anymore over him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In an alternate universe, Tsukishima and Kenma would have probably gotten along tremendously well: both quiet, reserved, determined if provoked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, the silence between them is heavy and Kenma realises while staring at Tsukishima’s eyes that they’re a beautiful hazel colour and that this is the first time he and the blond spend time together alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Obviously, with so many mutual friends, they saw each other often and they can both remember events where they were both present, helping Keiji together in the kitchen at his and Koutarou’s housewarming party, texting the group chat for Shoyo’s last birthday, deciding on what to bring since it was going to be a picnic, Kuroo’s graduation, and many more times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nevertheless, Kenma wouldn’t define them “friends”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s probably his fault for being so introverted but it might be something more. Kenma remembers his second year of highschool, the bitterness still present after the treatment received during his first year by the senpais, the clichè insecurities of being a teenager and his own struggles with anxiety and making friends, his first realisations of his feelings for Kuroo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He remembers a brief period of time when he looked in the mirror at his blond hair, wishing it was natural and not dyed, when he lay at night thinking how Kuroo lit up like a city in the night every time Tsukishima replied to him, how he called him Tsukki and saw him as an equal despite the two years of difference. He remembers jealousy and envy, never felt before, curling in his guts, making him feel terrible, forcing him to fully face his feelings for his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Obviously he moved past that, he found his place in the world with his job, his flat, his friends. And what a relief it was to find out that he was meant to be right next to Kuroo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, some of his feelings of inferiority still linger, so he is the one to break eye contact first, staring at how Tsukishima’s hands are neatly folded in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you here to give me a sort of shovel talk?” he ends up asking, catching Tsukishima’s amused expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that what I should do?” he asks, the amusement in his expression making Kenma feel even more intimidated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, you tell me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s his weak comeback, tapping nervously his fingers against the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t like me.” states Tsukishima, his voice emotionless but his eyes betraying a hint of hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma blinks, surprised at the boldness of the statement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not true. I just had many complicated feelings about you in the past.” he manages to say, swallowing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finally raises his head when he hears a chuckle, followed by a loud laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You thought I was interested in Kuroo?” says Tsukishima, holding a shaking hand in front of his mouth as he tries to find his breathing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s not being unkind or purposefully trying to make him feel like a fool, but Kenma still feels his cheeks burn with shame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t really sure how you felt or if he was interested. I guess it just bothered me that you got to hang out with him so often, that he sought you out to play with you. He never did that with me.” he hates how his voice shakes at finally voicing his insecurities. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never talked about these feelings with anyone, only Morisuke and Keiji commented back in the day on how he would get in a bad mood when Kuroo mentioned Tsukki often.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kozume-san,” Tsukishima’s expression is now serious, as he folds once again his hands in his lap, “that’s because the dynamic between you and Kuroo-san is different. I would never admit it in front of him, but alongside being a good friend, Kuroo has been an incredible mentor and teacher to me, not only for volleyball. Him and Bokuto-san taught me it is okay to care deeply about something. If it wasn’t for them I would have probably never done anything about my feelings for Tadashi, just because I was too scared to show how much I cared about him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma realises he has gone wide eyed only when Tsukishima scrunches his face up in disgust.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was-“ he starts saying before being interrupted by the blond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Surprisingly sappy of me. I trust it you won’t tell anyone.” says Tsukishima, his voice back to being cold and detached, even if his face has gone slightly pink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma nods to himself, still turning Tsukishima’s words in his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I am trying to say is that… Kuroo-san probably never thought to be in the position to teach you anything because he admires you, he looks up to you. He sees you as an equal, you two have grown together since the beginning. He never had to seek you out to play volleyball because he didn’t think you needed improvement, because he knew you were being honest to yourself about how you felt about playing, in contrast with my approach. At the start he didn’t help me because he thought I was interesting or” his expression is one of disgust “attractive, he just did it because he is Kuroo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma likes how they don’t need to mention how Kuroo goes out of his way to help anyone he finds on his path, how he tries to be the best version of himself to the point that it makes the people around him try to be better as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t think you would be the jealous type.” teases Tsukishima, his expression dangerous and amused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma opens his mouth to deny it, but he quickly closes it. It would be useless, considering what he just admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad we finally cleared up everything.” mumbles Kenma, feeling a weight being lifted off his shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree. I have always had a lot of respect for you, considering for how long you dealt with Kuroo-san,” they both giggle “and it pains me to see the situation.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma wants to change the subject but Tsukishima continues, shaking his head when he tries to interrupt him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am not one to meddle, but I am also tired of the situation. I care about both you and Kuroo-san and I can’t stand seeing you dance around each other anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dance around each other?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma blinks at how casually Tsukishima mentions that his feelings are required, not having time to process it because he keeps on talking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If what I’m about to do makes me a bad friend then so be it, it’s not like Sugawara-san’s disappointed face affects me as much as before,” he seems to be trying to convince himself more than Kenma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have something here” continues Tsukishima, taking an envelope out of his pocket, “we wanted to keep it to ourselves, but while Tadashi was reviewing the videos and pictures he found something and obviously he decided not to delete it, because he is a romantic and a meddler.” a hint of fondness slips in his voice at the end, as he looks down to what he is holding in his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma narrows his eyes at the envelope, trying to understand what’s inside of it. He blinks when he can see the outline of a DVD.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can choose not to look at it obviously, but I would advise you do.” explains Tsukishima, gently putting it in his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, I guess? I’m not really sure what you are giving me, uh…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima gives him a small smile, a real one that draws wrinkles by his eyes, as he stands up to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma accompanies him to the door, still looking at the object in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope,” Tsukishima hesitates before continuing “you get to be happy together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is walking away, the back of his coat swing left and right when calls his name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One day we could hang out, if you want.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima turns around, a perplexed look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's an olive branch and he knows it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would very much like to hear some embarrassing stories about Kuroo-san.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re in luck, then. I have plenty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!</p><p>Yes, I can't write Tsukki, you've caught me ahah also I am not really happy with this section... for some reason their meeting just sounded better in my head than it does on paper</p><p>anyways, this chapter is short (I seriously need to figure out how to split my fics more equally ahah) because the next one is longer and if everything goes to plan, the last one!!<br/>I prefer thinking of Kenma and Tsukki as best buddies but I also like jealous Kenma and a little bit of extra angst so I went with polite-yet-not-close Tsukki and Kenma. Don't worry, they'll become great friends and bond over clowning Kuroo ahaha</p><p>I really wanted to post this now to wish you a happy 2021 and just start this year right!! </p><p>Please, let me know if something doesn't work, English isn't my first language so apologies if something's off ahah<br/>Comments of any kind are appreciated!</p><p>Thank you, if you came back for the sixth chapter, it means a lot and thank you so much for reading!!!</p><p>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. So you got what you always wanted, so you got your dream come true</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have the distinct feeling of having missed Something, but I will collapse if I read this one more time so... here it is </p><p>title from...<br/>good for you from deh, nobody is surprised, ahah</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kenma has been staring at the ceiling for the past thirty minutes, listening to the soft pitter-patter of the rain turn into torrential downpour. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pixel is curled next to his face, sleeping soundly. He wishes he could follow her lead but the image of the envelope in the middle of the coffee table flashes behind his eyelids every time he closes his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Curiosity has been trying to convince him to open it since Tsukishima left but something tells him that once he does, he will not be able to turn back.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Whatever</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighs, sliding from under the sheets and shivering at the cool air. He doesn't turn the lights on, too used to keeping them off when he wakes up at night in order not to wake Kuroo up. The moonlight is shining precisely on the envelope and Kenma huffs a puff of air, glaring at the sky.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Enough with the signs</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he already decided he is going to open it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hands are shaking when he grabs it and he feels weirdly exposed in the living room, so he goes back to his room, opening the envelope and grabbing his laptop when he sees that it is actually a DVD.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A DVD?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Pixel meows in confusion at the sudden light emitting from his Macbook, but she is quickly soothed after a pat on the head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slides the DVD in and waits impatiently as the laptop processes.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Always so impatient</span>
  </em>
  <span>, sing-songs Kuroo’s voice in his ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head, focusing on the video opening in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kei and Tadashi’s engagement party</span>
  </em>
  <span>, is written in a tasteful font in the middle of a black screen, that starts showing pictures.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The majority of them are of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, of them looking at each other during dinner, surrounded by friends and family in the small restaurant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Kenma remembers how surprised everyone was when out of all their friends, the two that decided to have an engagement party were Tsukishima and Yamaguchi: for some reason it seems very out of character for both of them and the video shows Yamaguchi blushing a lot, Tsukishima nervously quiet at the start of the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The camera zooms on Yamaguchi's freckled hand intertwined with Tsukishima's slender pale fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma feels something twist in his gut and he is surprised to realise it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>longing</span>
  </em>
  <span>, absurd considering that Kenma would be even more nervous than the two boys on the screen in a setting like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What he longs for is the reassurance of knowing that no matter what happens, the other person will be there, holding his hand when he feels overwhelmed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s what Kuroo does: he never tells Kenma to give up no matter how worried he is about doing something, but he is with him every step of the way, straightening his tie before important meetings and cracking jokes to make him relax, letting him hide behind his back after so many years when they are approached by strangers, making him hold onto him in a crowded train, looking down at him in amusement and affection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma grunts when he realises that his cheeks are wet with tears, his eyes still staring at Yamaguchi’s hand resting against the nape of Tsukishima’s neck when he seems to tense up again, the blond clearly making jokes under his breath, Kenma can tell even without the audio, smiling proudly to himself when Yamaguchi giggles at every single one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The camera suddenly turns towards the person who is filming and Tsukishima’s brother waves energetically, smiling proudly, before turning it back to the table full of people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After that, the video shows a series of photos that make Kenma actually laugh out loud: Tsukishima standing behind the seated members of Karasuno, at the left side of the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The photos are blurry but it’s clear that Tanaka has grabbed the blond by the arm, the look of surprise on his face is pure blackmail material, dragging him down to crouch so that they can pose for a picture. Nishinoya, sitting next to him, is doing a peace sign and smiling broadly at the camera, throwing his arm around Karasuno’s coach, too busy holding up a very tipsy looking sensei. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The third years don’t seem to realize that pictures are being taken at first, but after a few Sugawara notices the camera and smiles warmly at it, pointing it out to the other two, the tall one with long hair, Asahi, blushing and hiding behind a big hand and the former captain, Sawamura, looking embarrassed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima seems to struggle against Tanaka’s hold but Kiyoko seems to come back to her seat in that moment, followed by Hitoka, and she rests her palm on Tsukishima’s back, smiling timidly at the lens.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima freezes, going wide eyed before giving up and resting his head on Shoyo’s bright orange hair, out of focus since he seems to be gesticulating wildly to a confused looking Kageyama.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are more pictures of Yamaguchi with his colleagues and then the camera falls in somebody else’s hands, because there are a few pictures of Akiteru resting his chin on his hand, looking around, until he starts running towards the camera, probably trying to take it back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are some fuzzy pictures that Kenma can’t make sense of, until one shows a blond woman very similar to Tanaka, probably his sister, holding the camera towards herself while she laughs at Akiteru’s pouting face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma is relieved to remember that the dinner had been far less intense for him, seated between Kuroo and Keiji, the only elements of chaos Koutarou’s loud cheers and Shoyo’s visits in between meals.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next sequence of pictures is dark and it shows everyone walking from the restaurant to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s old flat. There’s a photo of Karasuno’s former manager holding hands with Tanaka and one where Nishinoya, excitedly talking, is dragging by the wrist Asahi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pictures from the flat are a lot and they move quickly under Kenma’s eyes; the ones that stick with him are one of Koutarou caught mid talking, his big hands clearly in the middle of moving in a wide movement, Keiji next to him listening intently, while Kuroo and Sawamura laugh, a</span>
  <span> picture of Tsukishima actually laughing next to some people that Kenma recognizes as his kouhais from Karasuno and another with an overwhelmed Yamaguchi held hostage by Shoyo and Nishinoya, out of focus because they are jumping enthusiastically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A hilarious video of a guy that used to be in Shiratorizawa, with black hair and a questionable fringe, puffing his chest out proudly, while a bored looking Kunimi stares at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a series of pictures of Hitoka talking with Tsukishima, a video starts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma is asleep, his head resting on Kuroo’s shoulder; the older boy has an arm wrapped around his shoulders, his head nodding distractedly at something Keiji is saying to a group of people gathered around them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The focus of the video is Keiji, but Kenma keeps his eyes on himself and Kuroo, wondering if this is what Tsukishima wanted to show him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t look too different to how they usually behave. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Physical intimacy has always come natural to them and Kenma remembers being extremely tired that day, having streamed for two hours and edited for three. The Kenma in the video whimpers in his sleep when Koutarou loudly interrupts Keiji to stress something from the story he is recounting and Kuroo kicks him lightly in the shin, tipping his head towards Kenma to sign not to wake him up. Koutarou mouths an apology that makes both Kuroo on screen and Kenma off screen chuckle affectionately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What happens next makes Kenma’s heart jump in his throat. Kuroo raises his hand, moving Kenma’s bangs out of the way, caressing lightly Kenma’s cheekbone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The revelation is not in the gesture, but in the tenderness of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo’s eyes grow impossibly soft while he stares down at Kenma, overflowing with fondness and affection. But there is also something else, that seems to make him deflate and blink rapidly while he shakes his head as if to try and forget about something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His expression becomes desperate for a split second, his eyebrows knitting together and his parted lips shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma feels his heart sink in his chest, seeing the pain on his best friend’s face, wanting to do anything to make it go away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps that’s how he looks when he realizes how in love he is with Kuroo and how he’ll never be able to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a brief moment, Kenma believes it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking at the hurt and the longing on Kuroo’s face, he wonders… what if Kuroo is in love with him? What if for all this time they just <em>danced around each othe</em>r like Tsukishima said? What if Kenma could hold Kuroo’s hand and kiss him and tell him he loves him and that would make Kuroo <em>happy</em>? What if the one thing that would make him feel complete is the same that Kuroo longs for?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seems foolish, maybe just wishful thinking, but the vulnerability and admiration on Kuroo’s face light up something in his stomach, the images in front of him becoming blurry when his eyes water, remembering Kuroo’s tensed back during their argument, his eyes wide when the first tears started trailing down his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realizes that if there is even the slightest chance of Kuroo feeling the same as him, he has to take it. Immediately, before he can talk himself out of it, before he starts doubting what the image he paused the video on is showing: the possibility of the love of his life requiring his feelings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he rushes to the door, mumbling an apology when he nearly trips over Atticus, quickly wearing the fastest pair of shoes to put on, grabbing his phone and his keys before slamming the door behind himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nearly trips several times taking the two flights of stairs as fast as he can, avoiding falling on his face only by grabbing onto the railing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curses when he finally exits the apartment complex, remembering too late that it’s raining. The drops of water fall on his face and make his pajamas instantly wet, but it is too late now to turn back to grab an umbrella.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He starts running. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma will never admit it to anyone but there is something weirdly liberating about running under the rain in the empty streets at night. It makes him feel as light as considering the eventuality of Kuroo loving him back, so even if his stamina has gone down considerably since high school and he’s panting heavily, his feet barely hit the ground, splashing water on his pants and he feels like he is flying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lets himself giggle, because this is surely the stupidest thing he has ever done and if he stopped analyzing the outcomes, he might end up with a high fever and an irremediably broken relationship with the person  he cares about the most . But in that moment, all Kenma feels is freedom, every step is like leaving behind the heavyweight of hiding his feelings, loneliness and distancing himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fear and adrenaline make him jump right on his feet after falling and hitting his knee, catching himself on his hand, not even bothering to look down at it, even if it burns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sees only a girl in the street, turning to look at him in confusion when she notices him running as fast as he can past her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Normally, he would feel embarrassed or ashamed, but instead there is a giddy feeling in his stomach, as his pants condensate in small clouds of vapour in front of his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is starting to feel dizzy from running so fast for so long, when he finally sees Keiji and Koutarou’s small house, at the end of the street. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He runs faster than ever, memories of all the times he considered the possibility of Kuroo being in love with him flashing before his eyes: Kuroo stuttering after he complimented one of his spikes in high school, Kuroo dropping all his studying during his first year of university when he heard Kenma was sick, Kuroo’s ecstatic and surprised expression when he asked him to move in with him, Kuroo laughing across from him on their couch while watching their favourite films.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He comes to an abrupt stop in front of the door, hoping not to be too late and he raises his hand to ring the bell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he has the chance to, the door opens wide revealing Kuroo’s tall frame, his head turned to look back at the room he is leaving.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care if it’s raining, I am going to him-“ he is telling to a distressed Keiji, while Koutarou tries to hold him back by his forearm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then Kuroo finally turns around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Realistically, Kenma knows he can’t have changed that much after not seeing each other for less than a week. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, all of his realizations -their recent lack of communication, Kenma's attempts to make him understand his feelings without being upfront about it- seem tangible when he finally sees him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is beautiful as ever, with cheek slightly flushed and messy black hair as usual, the ill-fitted clothes he’s wearing, the skin around his eyes slightly purple from lack of sleep, reminding him of Kuroo working until the middle of the night during stressful times on the job.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma,” he doesn’t seem to know what to say after his name, his mouth parted in surprise as he stares at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma realizes too late that he must look like a riot: dripping wet from the rain, in his pajamas and with what is possibly a bloody knee, scrapes on his palms, out of breath in the middle of the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuro.” he settles on saying before catching the light from inside -where Koutarou and Keiji have conveninetly moved to another room- bounce on a set of keys in Kuroo’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma blinks rapidly because of the water dripping into his eyes before smiling softly, recognizing them as the spare keys they gave their friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going somewhere?” he asks, his voice raspy from disuse and the exposure to the cold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo blushes pink till the tips of his ears, his eyebrows raising when he looks down at the keys.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods, offering Kenma the smallest and shiest smile, making his heart sink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s his fault if Kuro seems to be walking on eggshells, if the silence between them is so heavy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has to fix it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we talk?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He blinks in surprise when Kuroo says it exactly as the same time as him. His friend looks as startled as him, before they both start laughing nervously, looking at the ground. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo is wearing mismatched lime and lilac socks and he is curling his toes nervously. It's cute and it makes Kenma's heart beat faster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gestures his hand towards Kenma, to invite him to talk first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. You know me, so you probably realized by now that I acted that way only because I was scared that by talking about the situation I would have ruined everything. “ he starts, deciding to go with the truth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo realized his feelings and he wanted to be mature about it and talk, but Kenma <em>had</em> to run away, scared that acknowledging his love would ruin their friendship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would it have ruined everything? Kenma I wouldn’t have thought any less of you if you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Liked me, I know</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thinks dejectedly, knowing Kuroo figured out his feelings already.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-wanted to tell me you were uncomfortable with how I acted around you.” finishes instead Kuroo, his eyes casted down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma knows that expression and he hates it: it’s the same he sees every time Kuroo thinks he is not good enough, the same one he wears when he says something self-deprecating in a passing conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><em>What is that even supposed to mean?</em> Kuroo always acted the same way, it was Kenma that altered his behaviour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait what? No, no, I thought” he blinks confused, finding Kuroo’s eyes “I thought you wanted to tell me you figured out why I was distancing myself from you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, obviously! I wanted to apologise for making you so uncomfortable with my behaviour that you felt the need to distance yourself, I never wanted to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, no, Kuro, that’s not why I did it.” interrupts Kenma. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did Kuroo really spend the last few days thinking he drove Kenma away? Kenma feels his heart ache at the thought, knowing he’s the one to blame for Kuroo’s self-loathing his time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean that’s not what- Then, what is the reason?” asks confused his best friend, his shoulders relaxing instantly when reassured of the fact that he did not make Kenma uncomfortable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma however is still hung on what Kuroo said before, thinking about how big the misunderstanding between them had been.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, why would I feel uncomfortable with your behaviour?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo had never once made him uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even at the start of their friendship, Kuroo always understood him right away, without needing an explantion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was often the one explaining to his parents why he behaved in a certain way or how he actually applied himself when it came to something he was passionate about. Kuroo never stepped over the line, always pushing Kenma enough to challenge him and make him improve, but never to make him feel out of place or anxious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The problem they both have is how stubborn they are; Kenma knows that they both want an answer to their respective questions immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, while he is trying to understand how Kuroo could come up with a scenario in which he made Kenma uncomfortable for some reason, his best friend is probably tossing and turning his words in his head, trying to understand the real reason behind his behaviour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, he still has the adrenaline from running pumping in his veins and he still plans on confessing to Kuroo before he can convince himself he has made up the possibility of his feelings being required. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only problem is that now he really needs to know why would Kuroo misinterpret his behaviour like that. It clearly means he has no idea about Kenma’s feelings and that makes him even more nervous and eager to find out the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma, I still need to know what I did to make you distance yourself, please.” he sounds pained, no doubt still thinking is something he did, which is absurd. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo never did anything wrong in the first place, it was just Kenma’s crush making him anxious and detached.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuro, what would make me uncomfortable?” he would reassure his friend, especially knowing he probably spent the last few days overthinking and blaming himself, but he <em>needs</em> to know, somehow the answer to that question seems to be the missing piece of the complicated puzzle in front of him, something that could make his confession easier or… make him shut up about his feeling forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They are both frantic now and only focused on finding an answer to their question, before replying to the other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked you first!” protests Kuroo, crossing his arms, stubbornly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No you didn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I sure did,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just answer the question!” grumbles irritated Kenma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are not answering because you are lying to me, it’s okay if I made you uncomfortable, but you need to tell me what I did-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lying? You are the one presuming things, what would ever make me uncomfortable-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you weren’t uncomfortable then tell me why you stopped acting around me like you usually do!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A beat of silence when they both decide to give up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My feelings would make you uncomfortable!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you were going to realise I love you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite their voices overlapping for the last thirty seconds, those two statements pronounced at the same time are perfectly clear to both.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the silence that follows, Kenma feels his heart hammering wildly in his chest, as if trying to escape from his ribcage to land in Kuroo’s hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo opens slowly the eyes he had closed shut when screaming his admission. His cheeks are flushed red in frustration as he pushes his fringe out of the way, as if trying to see more clearly.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My feelings</span>
  </em>
  <span>, those two words echo in Kenma’s mind, feeding into his hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both screamed those two sentences out of frustration but now, now that they have to clarify their meaning, panic seems to be choking Kenma and the only reassuring thing about Kuroo -Kuroo who has always been is safe space, now looks like the hardest boss Kenma has ever faced- are his hands shaking and his bottom lip quivering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said, you said ‘my feelings’, do you mean-“ he starts saying, before Kuroo’s bigger hands wrap around his right one, enveloping it fully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They are both shaking now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kenma, do you mean it?” whispers Kuroo, his eyes big and filled with the same mix of hope and fear Kenma feels sitting heavily on his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could just nod, but it doesn’t seem right. If this is his only chance to tell Kuroo he loves him, he is going to take it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s true, I-“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” blurts out Kuroo, “That’s what I meant when I talked about my feelings, it means,” a timid smile stretches his lips, as a tears escapes form his eye only to remain stuck between his long, black eyelashes “I love you and I have for long time-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuro,” interrupts gently Kenma, moving his free hand, the one not held between Kuroo’s warm, calloused palms, to wipe the tear slowly rolling down his cheek, “I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like absolution. The reality of the situation hits him at full force: having the certainty that Kuroo loves him back, feeling his hands around his, standing so close they breathe the same air under the cloudy sky, weighed down by their wet clothes but feeling lighter than ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has to grip Kuroo’s back when he embraces him, to make sure what is happening is real, and he lets himself cry a little on his shoulder, because he doesn’t really know how to deal with all these feeling in a different way from crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He buries his fingers in Kuroo’s hair, holding tighter every time Kuroo kisses the skin he can reach, his cheeks, his neck, his jaw, even his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought-“ he swallows back a sob, hiding his face in the crook of his neck as Kuroo rocks them gently “that you were going to realize how I felt and leave me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For once, Kenma has too many words to say while Kuroo has gone completely speechless, shaking his head rapidly, pulling back to hold Kenma’s face between his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma feels himself burn with the force of a thousand fires under Kuroo’s gaze, wondering how he never realised what his best friend was hiding all along.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could never. I would leave only if you asked me to and even doing that would hurt me like nothing before.” whispers Kuroo, his voice deep and breaking from emotion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However his words are clear and his expression leaves Kenma in shock, because it’s one of undeniable love and worship, as he strokes his cheekbones  so tenderly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma can only shake his head at that, because the thought of asking Kuroo to leave has always been absurd but now that Kuroo is finally <em>his</em>, it’s unfanthomable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kept thinking that you realized I was in love with you” a full body shiver every time he confesses again “and that you were uncomfort</span>
  <span>able around me because of that, so you were trying to pull away gently not to hurt my feelings, rejecting me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kenma shakes his head again, before letting his forehead rest against Kuroo’s chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuro,” nails scratch his scalp softly, when he raises his head to look straight into his eyes “will you come home?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels vulnerable again, scared of breaking, if all of this were to crumble.</span>
</p><p>“Yes,” is the choked response, a sob leaving Kuroo’s throat, the brightest smile pushing his cheeks up “please.”</p><p>Relief overwhelms him for a second, the image of Kuroo back in their home, there when he wakes up as he is supposed to be, making more tears stream down his face, mixing with the drops of rain.</p><p>
  <span>They take deep breaths to calm down, before laughs start bubbling in their throats.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo looks beautiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rain and tears on his face look like diamonds under the light and Kenma realizes suddenly that for once he doesn't have to bury his nails in his palms to keep his hands from reaching out. He can touch and press his cold fingers against Kuroo's skin, he can map with shaking fingertips every centimeter of him and have Kuroo be as happy and ecstatic about it as he is.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, all along…” mutters Kuroo between pants, shaking his head in disbelief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Our friends must hate us.” mumbles Kenma, shivering violently because of the cold and the drop after the adrenaline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels his eyes close with how sleepy he is, Kuroo’s body warmth lulling him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey kitten, don’t fall asleep on me.” says Kuroo, smacking a kiss against his forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Should we go?” suggests the taller boy, offering Kenma his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes it, something finally clicking when his fingers interlock with Kuroo’s.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello!!</p><p>WE MADE IT!!<br/>I cannot tell you how difficult it was to write and edit that confession scene and I still think I have missed Something.<br/>Anyways, I still hope I was able to convey that these two boys love each other and they just needed a little push (and misunderstanding) to understand that.</p><p>I realized halfway through editing this that idk if this needs an epilogue? I mean, they didn't even kiss but this seems pretty complete to me? Let me know what you think </p><p>Please, let me know if something doesn't work, English isn't my first language so apologies if something's off ahah<br/>Comments of any kind are appreciated!</p><p>Thank you!! SO MUCH!! if you came back for the seventh chapter and to anyone who has read this little story of mine and enjoyed it, it means a lot !!! Sending the best tasting cookies to those who commented/bookmarked/left kudos as well!! &lt;3&lt;3</p><p>-spaces (Ari or vari, you pick!)</p><p>(if you want, you can scream about kuroken with me on Twitter: @varivarvar)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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